News From The Dark Side

OK, so 2004 was not a great year for horror, I'll admit it. Though some really great stuff graced the silver screen (Open Water, Dawn of the Dead), it was a pretty listless year full of disappointments (Saw) and just plain crappy shot on video releases (Zombiegeddon). But even though 2005 looks like a lot more of the same, horror hounds will finally be able to catch worthy horror contenders like Haute Tension (being released as High Tension here in the states) and Constantine (which is getting a lot of great buzz) on the big screen. The horror genre comes in waves and fans will just have to ride out this retread phenomena cycle in the hopes that more original work will make its way back to us.

I started off the year by traveling across the country to the Chiller convention which was held in East Rutherford, New Jersey on January 7th, 8th and 9th. I braved the cold winds and the expensive cab rides and I'm happy to report that a good time was had by all. Being a Chiller virgin meant that I was not jaded by past shows, but I was informed that this was a much smaller event than usual. I was still happy to see that though the guest list was sadly limited (although Gaylene Ross and Ashley Lawrence are always a welcome addition to any horror con); the dealer's room left me salivating. I picked up some great Region 2 movies like the underrated Welcome To Arrow Beach and the giallo classic The House with the Laughing Windows. After all was said and done, a good time was had by all and it was good to see that horror is still being held in high regard by the fans…

I Can't Wait News: Chris Carter announced that the long awaited second X-Files movie should begin shooting by the end of 2005. Since the story arc was so confusing on the series (especially by the end), I'm happy to report that this will be a stand alone story. Two suggestions - lay off the love story between Mulder and Scully and get Gillian Anderson in a bikini!

"Yes... just like that, you dirty Mansquito you!"

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a… Mansquito? News: I promised a follow-up, and I'm happy to report that Mansquito (which wrapped shooting early in December) was helmed by Tibor Takacs who made that sadly forgotten 80s gem I, Madman. Mansquito will also star Corin Nemic who rocked my world as Parker Lewis (and yes, as far as I'm concerned, he can't lose!). It gets better all the time, don't it?

Stop the Madness News: As you probably already know, The Fog is up on the remake chopping block and Rupert Wainwright has been brought on as director. Rupert, by the way, unleashed the awful Stigmata on an unsuspecting audience back in 1999. My hopes are not high for this one.

Really Good News News: Unitshifter friend, Gabe Bartalos, has finally found a distributor for his uniquely disturbed opus Skinned Deep. Look for it on Fangoria's own Gorezone label in early 2005. Congrats Gabe!

More Fango News: Looks like the Horror Channel has some more stiff competition in the shape of Fango TV. They recently acquired the Felissa Rose (Sleepaway Camp) hosted Screamography, and will feature other shows with cult favorites like Lloyd Kaufman (head of Troma) and Debbie Rochon (American Nightmare), it looks like the channel is off to a good start. Of course it's all still in the works and it could end up being just another Sci-Fi channel retread… we'll just have to wait and see…

Very Bad News News: Looks like another Halloween sequel in the works. This time it will be Halloween: Asylum which features Michael in a looney bin. Though I'm a sucker for this masked Casanova (c'mon he's the hottest of all franchise killers!), after the abysmal Halloween: Resurrection, I'm ready to see his mask hung out to dry. Details to follow…

It's About Time News: Director Jeff Lieberman, who just resurfaced with his new movie Satan's Little Helper, has also announced that Media Blaster is releasing his brilliant slasher opus Just Before Dawn sometime during the late summer or early fall. There will be lots of extras including commentary and a SPFX featurette. For those of you who never discovered this excellent horror movie, put it on your list. You will not be disappointed.

Slaughter High embodies what is so awesome about a so-bad-it's-good flick. A totally stupid movie about… well, about nothing except getting a slew of irritating folks into a locked building to burn off their skin, give them beer that makes their guts explode, or electrocute them.

The 'cool kids' (and I'm using the term kids loosely) play a pretty jacked-up prank on the geekiest kid in school, Marty Ratzen (Simon Scaddamore), which involves a grotesque head in the toilet gag. After they're caught and forced to do an extra hour of P.E. (that'll teach 'em), they take their Tom-Foolery one step further and pull another prank which leaves Marty a crisp shell of the man he used to be. Flash ahead five years and these young twenty-somethings (who look closer to 35) have been lured back to their old school under the guise of a reunion. Soon after they're locked inside and chased around by Marty in a jester's cap. These bright folks decide that Marty is playing a cruel game on April Fool's Day and if they can just make it to noon the next day, they'll be released. What the-?

Silly beyond words, Slaughter High is a laugh riot. Completely unscary with nary a lick of realistic gore, it's a roller coaster ride of stupid. And I love it. The beautiful Caroline Munro is so out of place it hurts, not only is she waaaaay over 23 years old, but she's also miles ahead of her co-stars in the acting department.

Sadly, Simon Scuddamore committed suicide either during or shortly after filming this gem. It's too bad too, because he's brought so much joy into the hearts of bad movie lovers everywhere. This is for you, Marty!

Ah, autumn is upon us. There's a chill in your veins and if you're any kind of fan of horror films, you're probably gearing up for Halloween. In fact, it's the best time of year to catch great genre classics on the tube (just check out Turner Classics Movie schedule!) and even the big screen tends to embrace us this time of year. The highly anticipated release of Saw is just around the corner (October 29th). I can feel the clout.

This month means something even more this year. October 5 is the release date of the controversial box set Friday the 13th - From Crystal Lake to Manhattan from Paramount. Fans of the never-ending series can enjoy these specs (brought you courtesy of our online store):

Secrets Galore Behind The Gore: Rare and never-before seen footage showing the techniques used to achieve the elaborate death scenes in the Friday The 13th series.

Crystal Lake Victims Tell All! - Some of Jason's 'victims' come back from the dead to discuss what it's like to be stalked by the knife-wielding maniac.

Tales From The Cutting Room: For the first time ever, exclusive deleted scenes and alternate footage from the Friday The 13th films

Friday Artifacts and Collectibles: Several directors and fans display props and collectibles from the series.

Scary Trailers: Visual effects producer Dan Curry, veteran voice-over talent Don LaFontaine, and other discuss the making of the Friday The 13th movie trailers

While this would normally please anybody buying a boxed set of their favorite series, dyed in the wool buffs are upset that this set was definitely done on the cheap. For instance, the first four discs contain all eight films. In all fairness, it does seem cheap to not give each movie its own disc. It's also common knowledge that deleted scenes have unsurfaced recently from the superior Friday Part 6. Though they appear in the extras, fans wanted the scenes added back into the film. In the end, there's plenty to bitch about, but with a list price of $80 (and it's going for $60 or less on most sites) we'll probably cough up the cash for this intriguing, if not perfect boxed set. And how could I deny the pleasure of seeing Corey Feldman in all his widescreen glory?

You Know it Will Suck News: ABC has just greenlighted a four-hour adaptation of Rosemary's Baby. No cast or crew yet, but I can just see some idiot exec suggesting Paris Hilton as the mother-to-be. Now if they cast her as Satan…

Back on Track News: Wes Craven has cast the awesome Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later) to star in the new project Red Eye. The thriller involves a pretty young thing on an airplane who is forced to help murder a business executive or have her father killed instead.

Could Be Good News: Chuck Parelli's well reviewed The Hillside Strangler (not to be confused with the recent Hillside Strangler directed by Chris Fisher) just happens to be screening at the American Cinematheque in L.A. on October 22.

They Finished it News: Tentative release date for the remake of Assault on Precinct 13 is January 21, 2005. Uh, I can hardly…wait?

There is a God News: The Machinist is off the shelf and slated to enjoy a limited releases starting October 22. This one is directed by Brad Anderson (Session 9) and it's getting great word of mouth.

Something to Scream About News: Check out L.A.'s Screamfest calendar! Highlights include John Carpenter's The Thing and a director's cut of Dawn of the Dead 2004.

Best News in the World News: Genre legend and film buff Frank Henenlotter (Basket Case) has come out of self imposed retirement and is set to make a sequel to Brain Damage titled Sick in the Head. No cast attached yet, but surely there will be a role for Kevin Van Hentenryck?

Twenty five years after Zachary Malius (a super creepy Charles Cragin) brutally murders seven frat boys at the local college, the same frat stages a prank and makes the initiates break into the local asylum and snap a pix of the creepy killer. Unfortunately (and expectantly), things go terribly awry and Malius is back on the prowl slicing and dicing his way through the cast.

When Happy Hell Night was released back in 1992, it was a very late entry in the slasher genre but still managed to capture some of the magic of its earlier counterparts. The script was not great, the budget was low and the direction was average at best. But a nice premise and some really good gore made this film a great discovery for late night cable watchers.

What set this film apart from lesser attempts is the fine cast. Many of them have gone on to much better things (like Sam Rockwell) and it's kind of fun watching Jorja Fox get a pickaxe in the head. The two leads, Nick Gregory and Franke Hughes are great (and gorgeous!) and their relationship as two brothers feuding over the same chick is palpable and never annoying. This makes the shocking ending all that more disturbing.

But hats off to Ted Clark as Ned Bara who has the best lines in the film. Between "While you were out fucking the dog…" and "You got the willies or what" he's appropriately irritating. Clark went on to play a cannibal hillbilly in the underrated Wrong Turn.

Anchor Bay gives this film new life with a bare bones DVD, but fans will embrace any chance to re-visit the bloody good fun.

Although it seems that summer is slipping by without too much going on in the current world of horror (unless any of you are actually excited about Alien vs. Predator), there are still many reasons for fans to rejoice if you live in the Los Angeles area.

This August, the legendary American Cinematheque is putting on their 5th Annual Festival of Fantasy, Horror & Science Fiction. And this year looks even better than the last. I won't sit here and gush over all of the wonderful movies they're showing when you can simply check out the lineup for yourself here. I am, however, going to give a bit of promotion to one very special film. The festival will be screening the latest Argento flick The Card Player August 14th, at 10 p.m. Even though the movie suffered a tumultuous shoot (Asia Argento walked off the set after a fight with dad), I've heard nothing but good things about this one. Apparently master of the giallo has found a way to mix a bit of the old with just a touch of the new and it sounds like he's pleasing his fans immensely. If you enjoy Italian horror, try to make it to this one night screening. Amanda By Night will see you there…

Pretty Boy Makes Good News: Viggo Mortenson will probably never have a more high profile role than that of Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings. But minus the Hidalgo flop, it looks like Viggo is doing right by genre fans and starring in the next Cronenberg opus The History of Violence. I for one cannot wait.

Pre-production News: I saw a listing for a movie called Snuff TV to begin filming on June 15th. Intriguing title, no? More to follow…

Disappointing News: The A&E DVD release of the British Television series Thriller has been postponed indefinitely. Same goes for Blood Diner. Will someone please cut me a break?!?

Better News: Lion's Gate won my heart when they announced they were releasing a special edition DVD of Chopping Mall! Looks like the disc will feature interviews and a commentary track with evil-genius Jim Wynorski and co-writer Steve Mitchell. Trivia tidbit for the nostalgically inclined - you'll notice a very 80s version of the famous Beverly Center Mall in all of the exterior shots.

Tragic News: World famous Art Director guru, Robert A. Burns (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes) passed away on Memorial Day. He left this eerie note for his fans, and this snippet of his mini-bio from the Internet Movie Database explains it all:
In May 2004, Bob was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Rather than go through a lengthy illness, he chose to take his own life. His remains were discovered at his home in Seguin, Texas on June 1, 2004. Official cause of death was carbon monoxide poisoning.

Being Good Looking Won't Get You Everything News: Looks like the new Christian Bale horror themed flick, The Machinist, won't be seeing the light of day for awhile. Paramount put it on the back burner. It was directed by Brad Anderson who brought us the whacked-out underrated Session 9. The shelf can be a lonely place…

Be the Next George Romero News: Got a knack for horror filmmaking? Then check out the badass Scottish horror festival/competion called Dead By Dawn. (Editor's Note: At this time their website appears to be down, so you'll have to survive without a link.)

Giallo Galore News: Carlo Vanzina of Nothing Underneath fame has signed a three picture deal with Warner Bros. International. He'll direct while his brother Enrico pens. Will it give American fans a chance to catch a Vanzina movie on the big screen, or is just too much to hope for?

The Dead Just Won't Die News: Zack Snyder, director of the Dawn of the Dead remake is planning on adding 25 minutes of extra footage on the DVD. It's a love it or hate it thing… I LOVE IT!

A Simple Death News: Look's like our favorite horny heiress, Paris Hilton, will be making an appearance in the remake of House of Wax. Um yeah, I can hardly wait… Now if only we could convince Nichole Ritchie to die violently in a film.

It's Still Cursed News: Looks like Wes Craven finally wrapped Cursed (again) and they're aiming for an October release. It's been reported that much of the violence was cut.

Many moons ago, there was time when a serious slasher flick could be released and not considered contrived. Those days may have passed, but I'm still a sucker for my thrills served straight up, no ice. An example of such a film is the long forgotten He Knows You're Alone. Directed by the underrated Armand Mastroianni (The Supernaturals) and featuring a then-unknown Tom Hanks, He Knows…sports some fine performances from Don Scardino (Squirm) and Elizabeth Kemp (The Killing Hour, also directed by Mastroianni). It's a well made treat for fans of 80s slice and dice. Sure, the theme is ripped right out of the hands of Halloween maestro John Carpenter, and I'll admit the movie plays like a version of Halloween if Michael Myers was a jilted groom with eyebrows like Fuad Ramses! But even with what snobby film-goers would call a carbon-copy, He Knows You're Alone has enough personality to put it ahead of the pack. Not to mention a cool beheading and a kickass poster! Try it out, you might like…

There appears to be a very heated debate amongst Sleepaway Camp fanatics. Shooting has just wrapped on Return to Sleepaway Camp which was directed by the sicko who brought us the original, Robert Hiltzik. I was very excited to learn that after all these years, Angela still has her legion. But after viewing various sites, there seems to be a fight which has split horror fans in two. Which is better, the original or its sequels?

Shouldn't really matter, should it? Well, you'd be surprised how passionate slice and dice aficionados have been getting over the issue. Apparently, if you dig the original, you are not allowed to have any affinity towards the sequels, which was news to me since I'm a fan of all three. Am I being forced to choose? Hmmm, I'm not sure I could. The original is hands down one of the sleaziest films I've ever seen. But the sequels are laugh out loud funny. In 2 and 3, Pamela Springsteen is amazing as our favorite sexually confused camp counselor. But Felissa Rose was no slouch either! And the last shot in the original… Whew! If you weren't in shock, then you have some serious issues!

So I'm leaving a thread for this hot topic in our message board and I invite you all to throw in your two cents.

Best News in the World News: Looks like Blood Diner found a home on DVD. The release date is scheduled for May 15th. I don't have any specs yet, but you can check out what little information there is about it here.

More 80s Slasher News: Anchor Bay has seen fit to release a double DVD disc of culty faves The Pit and The Prey. Though The Pit has fared a bit better over the years, both are worth a look, especially for The Prey's waaaay screwed up ending.

Best Kept Secret News: Apparently Taurus Entertainment has quietly made a sequel to Day of the Dead! This one, called Day of the Dead: Contagium, has actually finished shooting. I haven't found much on this project yet, but this intrepid reporter promises to stay on the trail…

Once a Lost Boy, Always a Lost Boy News: Look for Warner Bros. special edition of The Lost Boys to be released from August 10th. Long overdue for an extras filled disc, the DVD will even feature commentary with Corey Feldman, Corey Haim and Jason Newlander! If that ain't enough there are several featurettes and a documentary on the making of! Wow, a wet dream for sure!

Cool Cast, Mediocre Director News: Rob Zombie's new project The Devil's Reject, the sequel to House of 1,000 Corpses, has had quite a casting coup. Expect Kane Hodder (Jason X) and Steve Railsback (Helter Skelter) to appear alongside Michael Berryman (Hills Have Eyes), P.J. Soles (Halloween) and Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead). Apparently the evil Texas Chainsaw family wanna-bes of Rob's first film have left their home and gone on a cross country killing spree. I don't have high hopes for this, but you have to admit, it's a cast to die for (literally!).

More Cool Casting in a Mediocre Project News: Sissy Spacek has signed on to The Ring 2. No word yet on who'll she'll play but let's hope she gets Carrie on their ass!

Found Footage News: Looks like the folks at Paramount have found some unused gore footage from Friday the 13th Part 6. Though it most likely won't end up in a director's cut, it may be featured as an extra when the Friday the 13th Box Set hits stores this fall! Hip Hip Hooray!

More Horror Movies than You Can Throw a Stick At News: Even before the Horror Channel can get up and running, competition has hit the airwaves under the name Scream Channel. Already a go in England, I've checked out their schedule. Nothing too impressive. Yet. But a little healthy competition can't hurt, eh?

A Chance to Finally See a Screwed up Movie News: Living Hell, the brutal Japanese horror flick about a wheelchair bound boy and the atrocities he must face when his family leaves him with an old lady and her creepy daughter will finally see the American light of day on thanks to help of Subversive Cinema's DVD label. Look for it July 27th.

Gotta Go News: Cinema Wasteland is holding its fifth movie and memorabilia expo in the ultra fabulous Cleveland, Ohio. Guest include the entire cast if baddies from Last House on the Left. Yes, David Hess (Krug), Jeramine Raine (Sadie), Fred Lincoln (Fred 'Weasel' Podowski) and Mark Sheffler (Junior Stillo) are joining forces along with Jeff Lieberman (Squirm, Just Before Dawn), who'll be promoting his new film Satan's Little Helper, and Lynn Lowry (Sugar Cookies, I Drink Your Blood). It's like I died and went to heaven. You can find out more here.

Claudia and Cronenberg News: Blue Underground has released an amazing 2 disc set of David Cronenberg's lesser known dragster epic Fast Company featuring Claudia Jennings. The first disc includes commentary with Cronenberg, Inside the Actor's Studio featuring William Smith and John Saxon, Interview with Cronenberg's Director of Photography Mark Irwin and a Claudia Jennings bio. Disc 2 has two Cronenberg shorts, Stereo and Crimes of the Future.

Horace Bones, R.I.P.: Sadly, Bhaskar, the star of I Drink Your Blood, has died. He spent the last half of his life in a wheelchair due to horrible fall he suffered in 1977. But in his final years, he received several letters/emails about his wonderfully insane performance as Horace Bones in I Drink… Lucky for us fans he was able to participate on the commentary track of the recently released DVD available on Fangoria's new label.

What happens when a girl accidentally unleashes an evil genie on her friends when they spend the night in a museum? Well, lots of mayhem, hopefully. And believe it or not, The Outing delivers. A regional film made in Texas (which is usually not a good thing), The Outing is an unpretentious roller coaster ride. It's got Texas bigots, punks that look more suited to the set of Zapped, snakes in a tub, a mummy who bites off fingers and one bad ass djinn. Actually, that's where the film fails. It should have held strong and not revealed its monster. Ever. He's pretty silly, but the lunacy of it all is fun, making The Outing one to watch. By the way, if you can figure out what that giant of a genie is saying, please drop me a line…

Looks like the nice folks at Unitshifter didn't totally hate my stuff and they brought me back to give you more new news from the land of macabre cinema. Let's get to it:

Horror Icon To-Be News: Star of Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, William Butler, has been tearing up the scenery behind the camera. He's just completed Madhouse which is about a young psychiatric intern who learns the dark secrets about the place in which he works (Session 9, anyone?). It stars Jordan Ladd (Cabin Fever) and Natasha Lyonne (American Pie). Madhouse is due to get the theatrical treatment overseas, but Lion's Gate has made it direct-to-video here. Ah, cut us a break, Lion's Gate!

The Gross Guy Always Gets The Hot Chick News: Looks like our favorite hairy gnome Jack Black will be starring opposite Naomi Watts in Peter Jackson's retelling of King Kong.

Eating Its Way Through Sundance News: The newest entry into the shark genre, Open Water, will be making a splash in theaters this August. If you haven't heard of this new digital video movie, think Blair Witch meets Jaws. The twist: the director couldn't afford CGI sharks, so he threw some chum into the water and let his actors do their stuff. Probably one of the craziest stunts in the history of film and we love him for it!

Giallo Galore News: Dario Argento's TV thriller Door Into Darkness is now available on German DVD and will feature all four episodes of the dark series which originally played in Italy in 1973.

Speaking of TV Movie News: Lucio Fulci's underrated House of Clocks (which was originally filmed for Italian TV) is now available on DVD. That's Amore!

No More Exorcisms Needed News: It is with great sadness that the world bids adieu to the great Mercedes McCambridge. Many will recognize her as the voice of Pazuzu (aka demon living inside Linda Blair) in The Exorcist. Her life was as interesting as her art, and though she never achieved the fame she deserved, she'll always be remembered as the woman who scared the hell out of us way back in 1973…

More Sad News News: It is with even more sadness that I announce the untimely death of the great Carrie Snodgress. She won over horror lovers' hearts in the underrated classic The Attic (available on DVD with Crawlspace) and proceeded to keep our admiration as she popped up in everything from Trick or Treats to The X-Files. She was only a mere 57 years old. Alas, the good always die young…

Why'd They Do It News: They're making Species 3 and a sequel to Anaconda!

Savini News: Our favorite SPFX guru is taking the director reigns again and helming the project Forest Prime Evil, starring Gunner "Leatherface" Hanson and Bill Mosely. A frat initiation is taking place in a remote cabin where the guys think they're alone, but someone has something else in mind… Sounds typical, but after Savini's way cool remake of Night of the Living Dead, my hopes for this one are high.

Eli Roth Thinking Out of the Box News: Cabin Fever director Roth is currently shooting the movie The Box which is loosely based on the Richard Matheson -penned Twilight Zone episode "Button Button."

Barnabas's Return News: Looks like the new Dark Shadows series which will hit the airwaves next fall has a cast that's simply to die for. Martin Donovan (Opposite of Sex), Matt Czuchry (Eight Legged Freaks), Alexander Gould (They) and the lovely Kelly Hu (Martial Law, X2) are all participating in this dark sudster. But the real news is that they cast an untypical Alec Newman (Children of Dune) as Barnabas Collins. I'm just going to have to wait and see how the world feels about a good-looking Barnabas…

Slay-Bells are Ringing News: Looks like there'll be a new killer Santa this Christmas as Bret Ratner (Red Dragon) produces Santa's Slay. This is going to be more humorous than horror, but I just love the idea of old St. Nick slaughtering the naughty. Oh, and it's got the forever cool Robert Culp playing Grandpa!

Gender Bender Star News: Felissa Rose, our favorite hermaphrodite from the first Sleepaway Camp movie will be starring in Dead Serious. Dead… is about a religious zealot and his terrorist cult who have taken over a gay bar in NYC! Sounds like a horror movie to me! Shooting starts in May…

Way back in 1987, when the slasher frenzy had almost come to a full stop, one small film managed to sneak into theaters and give us a final go around. Hide and Go Shriek may go down in infamy as the last of a dying breed, but it should be recognized for more than that. Not the scariest film ever made (but the really bad hairstyles move it up a bit on the list!), it's definitely a fun little horror film. A group of amorous teens decide to spend the night in a furniture store. Not just any Macy's Home Store, it's a four story structure full of beds and what the owner thought would make the store look more inviting…mannequins. There's also an ex-con furniture mover who lives in the storage unit (!). An innocent night of partying turns bad when an unexpected visitor shows up to settle a score.

Hide and Go Shriek tries to make the most of its potentially eerie atmosphere, but mostly falls short. What's great about this movie is the winning cast of bad actors. My favorite character is Bonnie, played by Bunky Jones (who is sometimes credited as Rebunka!). She sneers her way through the film with banana clip and attitude in hand. Her boyfriend, John (Sean Kanan), comes off a bit better if only because I loved him in Rich Girl. Regardless, everyone from the group of horny teens to the knuckle dragging furniture store employee give it their all and manage to craft a fun little movie full of blood, guts, T&A and everything else that made the slasher genre notorious. A must see for the nostalgically-challenged.

Hello, I'm Amanda By Night. Looks like you've found your way into my den. I'm new here, so I thought I'd take a few paragraphs and give you an idea of how I plan on expressing my right to free speech. Oh, you lucky bastards!

By many I am considered a mistress of the dark. A creature of the night, if you will. Truth be known, I'm really just a geek with a penchant for all things horror.

I love good scary movies and I love bad horror movies. What separates me from a beer guzzling redneck playing with his remote control on a Saturday night is that I know the difference. Trust me, this is a good thing. I hope that being such a fan will help other horror hounds decipher what are interesting news items/recommendations and what should be promptly set on fire.

So expect a couple of news updates a month along with a few recommendations that will hopefully give even the most jaded genre nut some food for thought.

I'm hoping this column will become even more, but for now… Just the facts ma'am, just the facts…

Actors Who Ruin Movies News:
Rumor has it Hugh Grant is vying for the part of real- life-penis-eater Armin Meiwes. If you'll recall, Meiwes was the German who placed an ad in the paper requesting someone to offer themselves up as a human sacrifice. Now in general, I would think this was a story made for Hollywood, but I'd only want Hugh Grant involved if I thought the movie was going to suck. But if Grant is in it, surely it will suck, so have at it guys!

Decent Filmmaker News:
28 Days Later partners Danny Boyle and Alex Garland are at it again with their sci-fi epic Sunshine. And Ronny Yu is looking to direct the Freddy vs. Jason sequel! Not all is lost, my friends…

News For Guys Who Still Live in Their Parent's Basement:
Looks like Ash from the Evil Dead movies has found his way into a treatment for the Freddy vs. Jason sequel. The hope is that Sam Raimi will let New Line use his character if they finance the next Evil Dead sequel. I guess it is true, nothing this evil ever dies…

Sexy Siren News:
Kate Bosworth has signed onto a small part in the Richard Gere thriller Bee Season. She'll play a member of a Hare Krishna-like cult. Sounds fun. Bee Season, by the way is about a family's obsession with a, gulp, spelling bee! Veddy Sceddy, indeed!

I Can't Believe They Didn't Do It Sooner News: Genre vets Michael Berryman, Tom Savini, Caroline Munro, Reggie Bannister, Tony Todd and our favorite rapist David Hess have teamed up for the first time in Patrick Desmond's Absence of Light. It will debut at the Frightvision Convention in Cleveland, Ohio during the weekend of April 2nd! Shoot, where's my plane ticket?!?

All Around Good News:
The American release of Ginger Snaps 2 on DVD is slated for April 13. It got the star treatment with a commentary track, deleted scenes, storyboards, behind the scenes stuff and an FX making of featurette.

Best News of the Year News:
Bubba Ho-Tep is set to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public May 25th. Rumor has it that Bruce Campbell will be doing a commentary track on the DVD… as Elvis! Why, thank you very much!!! By the way, where is Ossie Davis' kudos for his tour de force in this masterpiece?!?

Gone But Not Forgotten News:
It is with great sadness that I report the death of Andrew Kuehn at the age of 66 from lung cancer. He will best be remembered as the director of the 80's compilation Terror in the Aisles.

Argento "the God" News:
His new film The Card Player has been released in Italy. So far it's getting mediocre reviews, but it's just got to be better than anything coming out over here…but wait…

Chubby Action Star News:
Looks like Steven Seagal is going to be Submerged! He's starring in this new horror film directed by Anthony Hickox. What's it about, you ask? Probably about 2 hours too long! OK, it's about a submarine and some mutant creatures. So is Seagal the sub or the creature? Actually, I love this Glimmer Man and I can't wait to see him put flabby foot to ass!

Signed, Sealed and Delivered News:
Looks like things are coming together for Seed of Chucky with Brad Dourif and Jennifer Tilly joining forces yet again.

And now for the exciting part: My first recommendation! I thought I'd start off with one of my favorites, Killer Party. This movie defies explanation. It's sort of like a more innocent version of Porky's meets The Exorcist. Be forewarned though, the smut factor is quite low. But what it lacks in sleaze it makes up for in cheeze! And you get a clever opening, some cute chicks and a lot of laughs. Plus Paul Bartel shows up just long enough to hear the sorority initiates chime "I myself prefer a big, fat cucumber." All in all, good family entertainment.