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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HOW
TO DESTROY MOVIES
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Cinema
is outmoded and outdated. It is too slow to compete, too expensive to
adapt, and too fat to die.
In order for media to evolve, cinema must be killed.
Let's look at the facts. An average feature film takes anywhere from two
to eight years to make. How the fuck can a sluggish goliath like that
remain compelling in an environment of 24 hour war-news channels, constantly-updated
websites (present company excluded), celebrity sex videos, downloadable
music, and instantly gratifying edu-tainment from fast-talking fatasses
like Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock? Movies have always
had retarded growth when compared to music and television, but, when compared
to entertainment like Kazaa and Fallujah, movies just look
retarded. We bet more people have seen the contents of Paris Hilton's
Sidekick than have seen Million Dollar Baby... and that Sidekick
definitely nailed all the key demos.
The hobbling gait of cinema keeps it from being cutting-edge in the way
theater, the internet, comic books, and especially music can be... cinema
always stumbles about ten years behind the speed of music. The reason
movies were so cool in the 70s is because the 60s was a great decade for
music. Movies of the 80s are fucking disco. The pace quickened slightly
for cinema vs. music in the late 90s: Fight Club is Master Of
Puppets, Starship Troopers is Appetite For Destruction,
and The Matrix is The Downward Spiral. The studios are still
having whiplash from all that power-walking.
It took Hollywood 40 years to make a decent Spiderman adaptation...
try as they might to be cutting-edge, it still took ten years to do something
wacky and adapt Sin City.
It is now April 2005, and Hollywood has just announced development of
movies dealing with the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.
Need we say more?
No. No more. For whom the bell tolls... it tolls for 24 frames of celluloid
exposed to the reflection of insipid starlets and lackluster tales of
the human condition. We just don't fucking care anymore.
How to destroy cinema? With wreckless abandon, of course. Fast, cheap,
and out of control, the rise of quickly constructed, nihilistically composed,
and arrogantly executed anti-movies of whatever length, format, and medium
desired is at hand. Deep within the primordial ooze of the cultural zeitgeist,
the Pam & Tommy Sex Video and South Park: Jesus vs. Santa
were the first to make Hollywood bleed.
Now... as the good Governor of California once said: if it bleeds, we
can kill it.
Below, we have compiled the first set of previews in our new series...THE
END OF CINEMA: Rogues Gallery.
If you want to destroy cinema, then we'll need you to do exactly what
we Americans did to save our country after the destruction of The World
Trade Center: consume, mothafucka, consume.
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THE
END OF CINEMA:
Rogues Gallery
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| RE-PENETRATOR |
|
 We
knew it would it would be appalling.
We knew it would be disgusting.
We knew it would not in any way, shape, or form be erotic.
We just didn't know how much so...
Burning Angel has gone so far in pursuit of bad taste this
time that you're not sure whether to gawk or puke. We did both.
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| DAMNED NATION |
 If
you haven't seen the two "password-only" preview scenes
yet, then you don't know the first thing about illegal downloads.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The upcoming unrated DVD series promises to be Scarface vs
Vampyros Lesbos vs Dead Alive...
Nuff said. |
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| KILL GIRL KILL |
 Eon
McKai is back before you knew he left.
Tough, smart, stylish, cutting-edge... this is what porn has always
dreamt of being.
consume... consume... consume...
more rogues next issue... |
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