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January 12 - Sweat & Anilingus in Las Vegas
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Pornstar girls rule.

That's right. I just got back from the AVN Awards and Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, and that's chiefly what I have to say right now. Pornstar girls rule.

See, I'm putting together my theory on pornstar girls, y'know, from an anthropological point of view. I think that pornstars are the female version of the masculine rockstar. Yeah yeah, there are rockstar girls... sort of... but rockstar girls aren't the same thing as the cultural phenomenon known as "The Rockstar."

See, The Rockstar is an anthropological fantasy... the traveling, world-worn man who has seen it all and doesn't give a fuck about anything other than spreading his seed as far and wide as he possibly can. The Rockstar clearly has nothing to do with being a great musician, anyone with a passing knowledge of rock-n-roll knows that. The Rockstar simply is the ideal guy (not to be confused with the ideal man, who shows up mostly in romance novels your mom reads). Boys want to be The Rockstar and Girls want to fuck The Rockstar. It all goes back to simple anthropological instinct... the male of the species wants to spread its seed as far and wide as possible, because he wants his genes to get passed on and he doesn't know which fool woman will (a) conceive, (b) make it nine months without getting chewed up by a mountain lion, and (c) not subject the kid to a bunch of wussy shit like NPR and Oprah. Since The Rockstar is known by his ability to spread his seed farther than anyone else, he becomes the anthropological ideal (despite the fact that this world would be really twisted if everyone was the descendant of rockstars).

Now, the anthropological instinct for women is not about quantity, but rather quality. See, bitches can only squirt out one kid every nine months, and they might even kill themselves in the process. Plus, they're gonna hafta take care of the little bastard once it tumbles out. So they don't wanna fuck around like their Johnny Appleseed counterparts. Thus, the woman wants to be wanted by every man, that way she can choose from the whole crop for the very best cream.

Now, I know what you're thinking... pornstar girls are always fucking--so doesn't that throw off the theory? Nope. Here's the deal: they don't fuck just anyone the way rockstars do. They fuck pornstar guys, which is, of course, the dream job for every guy (short of being a rockstar, that is... but not even really). By being more aggressively sexual than movie star chicks and models, they're sort of intimidating, too. Don't you get the feeling that Jenna Jameson could get any guy she wants... and that guy sure ain't you or me, otherwise we wouldn't be buying her movies. We regular dudes worship her like a sex goddess. And we pay to watch her fuck... we don't pay for her to fuck us... we pay to see her fuck some other guy... and not even live! And it's expensive! A porn tape costs about as much as it would cost to get the data entry girl at work drunk enough to bone in the bathroom.

Why do we do it? Because, as fucked up as it sounds, pornstar girls have become our cultural ideal chicks.

And let me point out how fucking smart Jenna Jameson is... she had a policy for awhile to only do girl-on-girl movies. A girl-on-girl-only pornstar is by far the Queen Goddess, because she epitomizes the virgin-whore fantasy to an impeccable degree. Brilliant.

In our anthropological Garden of Eden, Adam is Axl Rose circa 1987 and Eve is Jenna Jameson. How fucked is that?

So, now you understand how I felt, little ol' Jesus, walking into a world of ideal chicks who would never let me fuck them. It would be a bum out if they weren't so damned sexy. And since they're mostly former strippers, they know how to trick me into thinking they only have eyes for me. How thoughtful of them.

.Also luckily, I was super drunk when I got there, so none of this mattered to me. I made the long trek across the desert with my companion Hizzlekizzle, a fellow regular dude. Since no one ever gets pulled over on the 15, we hit the road with three six packs of Heineken at 3:30 in the morning and arrived at Las Vegas' Venetian Hotel at 3pm the next day. It's only a 5 hour drive and we don't really no where all the lost time went. Perhaps we were abducted by aliens. Hopefully they didn't give us any anal probes because I didn't wipe too well at the Mobil station bathroom in Barstow.

We stumbled into the Adult Entertainment Expo, which incidentally was right next to the CES Consumer Electronics Show, a big trade show for camcorders and DVD players and shit. The nerd in me had me peeking in there and even considering the idea of crashing it... can you believe I'm such a geek that I had a legit press pass to the porn tradeshow and I was considering sneaking into the consumer electronics show? Fucking retard I am.

The Adult Entertainment Expo was an emporium of ass. It was like nothing I've ever seen. I can only imagine that this is where those September 11th suicide bombers must've wound up if Allah really is into all that shit. Except I guess they're supposed to be virgins... so maybe the terrorists wound up in the girl-on-girl-only section. I'll have to ask Talibano about that.

The first stop at the expo was the Shane's World booth, because I love those reality babes. They don't have the silicone/stripper look... they're more like straight-up college dirty sluts. I love that shit. And it turned out that they were supercool and we even bullshitted with one about her favorite band, AFI. See? Pornstars and Rockstars.

Anyhow, we caught up with all the usual suspects...

Everybody loves Carmen

Carmen Luvana over at Adam & Eve was so hot I almost popped a crucifix in my pants when I interviewed her.

Everybody also loves Stephanie

And Stephanie Swift over at the Wicked Pictures booth made me feel more light-headed than I felt on day three atop Golgotha.

And I have to give it up to Sky Lopez... I never really used to dig her, Sky's Day Off was funny, but she just wasn't my speed... well, she woke up on the right side of the bed that morning cuz she was a fucking knockout. Unfortunately for you, she got Hizzlekizzle so nervous he forgot to snap off a shot! Amateur.

But I know what you're all wondering... WWJD?

WHO WOULD JESUS DO?

This is a pretty unexpected answer to the all-important question. After chillin with the girls at Digital Playground, Vivid, Andrew Blake's Studio A, and all the other stunning starlets, you'd think it would be one of those main studios who really knocked me head over heels.

Surprisingly not. Now, don't get me wrong. All those girls got me hotter than Mary Magdalene on a Spring day, but this year's prize for WHO WOULD JESUS DO? goes to:

The Lovely Ladies of VIDEO TEAM

For those of you who don't know, Video Team is the "ethnic-themed" porn company. I don't know why, but the VT girls really stood out as just naturally gorgeous and charismatic as fuck. They were as fun to interview as they were to oggle. Lil John's no fool... when he decided to get into the porn industry, he teamed up with the right company.

Now, just to make Talibano mad...

BEST GOSSIP AT THE ADULT ENTERTAINMENT EXPO

50 Cent is launching his own porn company: G-UNIT ADULT FILMS. Eat your heart out on that skoop, Tizzlebizzle!

Now on to the actual AVN AWARDS CEREMONY.

Unfortunately, I was so hammered at this point that I don't remember a thing that happened at the awards show. I know Goddess Jenna hosted alongside that dork from the Opie & Anthony Show, but that's pretty much all I know. I passed out at the Adam & Eve party, then Hizzlekizzle rolled me into the awards ceremony, but for all I know I won best new starlet. I'd like to thank The Academy.

Ahem. Since I was too inebriated to report effectively, the lovely people at AVN have furnished me with a list of the winners. Here are some of the highlights (with my humble notations included):

BEST FILM HEART OF DARKNESS, Vivid Video You hafta give it up for director Paul Thomas on this one--HEART OF DARKNESS was the TITANIC of this year's awards.

BEST VIDEO FEATURE (TIE) RAWHIDE, Adam & Eve BEAUTIFUL, Wicked Pictures As much as I love Carmen Luvana and her thrilling performance in Rawhide, I think this tie was kind of a sham. Beautiful was the best video feature of the year... it was Michael Raven's best work and featured two of my favorites: Porn Queen Julia Ann and Killer Starlet Stormy. Don't get me wrong, both movies were great, but I just think we need to choose an actual winner.

BEST GONZO SERIES SERVICE ANIMALS, Joey Silvera/Evil Angel Evil Angel fucking cleaned up. Good. More power to them, they are an excellent company.

BEST SEX COMEDY SPACE NUTS, Wicked Pictures Kudos to Jonathan Morgan, he has the best sense of humor in narrative porn and this is a perfect example. It also has a fucking unbelievable cast: the ultra-hot Stormy, the rock-n-roll badass Jessica Drake (who's buttpucker ain't gooey or gross--she told me!), and of course Ron Jeremy.

BEST ALL-SEX FILM HARD EDGE, Studio A Entertainment I fucking love Andrew Blake. It's pretty stylish and soft-core so it's not for everyone. But sometimes I dig stylish and soft-core. And the girls are fucking GORGEOUS.

BEST ALL SEX VIDEO - FETISH THE DREAM SCAPE, Ninn Worx/Pure Play This is the shit. I have a real thing for fetish videos, and this one hits every base. There are two DVDs in this set: the ARTCORE and the HARDCORE. It's one of my top picks of 2003. The babes are amazingly hot and the production is fucking tight.

BEST DVD THE FASHIONISTAS, Evil Angel Productions No joke, this is the hottest fetish DVD out there right now. The best. Best production of the year by far. You won't believe how hot and hard this sex is... you just won't.

BEST INTERACTIVE DVD MY PLAYTHING: JENNA JAMESON 2, Digital Sin The first one was so good, you knew she'd be back with more. Interactive DVDs aren't really my thing personally, but I can appreciate that this is the best one out there.

BEST VIGNETTE SERIES BARELY LEGAL, Hustler Video Larry Flynt ain't rich and in a wheelchair for nothin. This series is by far the best vignette show out there, but you know that already.

BEST ALL-GIRL SERIES NO MAN'S LAND, Video Team What Would Jesus Do? Buy this DVD. I fucking love these girls.

BEST ETHNIC-THEMED VIDEO, ASIAN ASIA NOIR 2, Video Team IBID. I'm not kidding.

BEST ETHNIC-THEMED VIDEO, BLACK HUSTLAZ: DIARY OF A PIMP, Hustler Video It's Snoop. Of course it's great. Don't even front.

BEST ETHNIC THEMED VIDEO, LATIN SPANISH FLY PUSSY SEARCH 9, Evasive Angels Despite the fact that I love Video Team, they can't front on Evasive Angels' cholitas.

BEST ALTERNATIVE VIDEO INTERVIEWING JENNA, Peach DVD This is kind of like a Behind-The-Music on Jenna Jameson. Pretty cool.

BEST NEW STARLET STORMY This is kind of an upset for me... just because I was hoping it would go to my current fave Jesse Jane, but Stormy is still an excellent choice.

FEMALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR ASHLEY BLUE Fucking hot.

BEST OVERALL MARKETING CAMPAIGN, INDIVIDUAL PROJECT MARY CAREY Campaign, Kick Ass Pictures Duh.

Okay, so I left a bunch out, but for my sake how much can you really absorb?

Now go keep up with your New Year's resolution and catch up on all thet porn you missed!

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December 29 - Lust In The Dust
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Jesse Jane alone is worth the trip!

Jesus (your intrepid reporter of the profoundly profane) here with some hot news about Sin City. You all know I've been talking about the AVN Awards for awhile (I hope my girlie Carmen Luvana takes home the big prize!), but it looks like this year we'll also be covering the hottest expo on the planet... this ain't no Staples Center neither, it's at the fuckin Sands--and it's open to the public, so all you fiends out there had best be rollin out to Vegas and gettin this party started!

Here be the details:

ADULT ENTERTAINMENT
INFILTRATES THE MAINSTREAM
AT THE
2004 AVN ADULT ENTERTAINMENT EXPO

When thousands of fans of adult entertainment converge at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in January, they will see the most famous stars of the adult industry and experience how the adult industry influences music, movies, television, video games, books, and other elements of pop culture.

The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo is being held January 8-11, 2004 at the Sands Expo Center in Las Vegas, Nevada. The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo is sponsored overall by Adult Video News (AVN) and is presented by Home Entertainment Events (HEE).

"The increased exposure of adult stars in mainstream media has created an environment where adult entertainment has become part of the popular culture," said Paul Fishbein, publisher of Adult Video News. "The media has discovered the glamorous stars of the industry and the stars have in turn migrated to entertainment streams such as cable and network television, the smash video game hit Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and rap music phenomenon Eminen's Superman music video."

"The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo not only highlights the economic strength of the industry but also the strong connections that fans have to their favorite adult stars and products," said Carrie Dieterich, spokesperson for HEE. "Adult entertainment contributes to the lifestyles of many of the fans out there."

Industry and fan attendance continues to be a driving factor behind the success of the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. More than 8,000 industry professionals and more than 15,000 fans attended the 2003 Expo, besting attendance records set the previous year.

The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo returns for the fifth consecutive year to the entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada, to present a unique tradeshow experience. The largest event of its kind in the world, the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo showcases the most comprehensive collection of adult talent, exhibitors and product, which attracts buyers and fans from around the world. More than 200 companies have committed to the show, including Adam & Eve Productions, Anabolic Video Productions, Inc., Digital Playground, Inc., Elegant Angel Video Productions, Evil Angel Video, Hustler Video, Jill Kelly Productions, Metro Interactive LLC, New Sensations, Penthouse International, Pleasure Productions, Private Media Group, VCA Pictures, Vivid Video, and Wicked Pictures.

Exhibits at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo will be open Thursday, January 8 from 11:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., Friday, January 9 from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Saturday, January 10 from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., and Sunday, January 11 from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. The show is open to trade only until 2:00 p.m. on Thursday and Friday and until noon on Saturday.

Prior to December 16, 2003, trade registration for the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo will cost $40 for VSDA members and $60 for non-members. Following the December 16 deadline, trade registration will cost $60 for VSDA members and $80 for non-members. Trade registration may be completed online at http://www.adult-expo.com or over the phone at 1-888-421-1107, 8 a.m.-7 p.m. CST Monday-Friday.

Fans who wish to attend may purchase one-day tickets at the cost of $40 online at http://www.ticketweb.com or by calling 1-866-468-3399. Tickets are also available at the door in limited quantities.

The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo sets the stage for the 21st annual renowned AVN Awards Show, which will be held at the Venetian Hotel, just adjacent to the Sands Expo Center, on Saturday, January 10. The annual AVN Awards Show is the premier gala of adult video and recognizes titles, individuals and companies for contributions to and excellence in the industry. (Please note that a separate ticket is required for admission to the AVN Awards Show. For ticket information, go to http://www.AVNawards.com.)

The AVN Adult Entertainment Expo is open to qualified working members of the press. Completion of the press registration form is required of all individuals who wish to obtain press passes. To obtain a press registration form, go to http://www.adult-expo.com or contact Andrew Mun, VSDA Manager of Public Affairs at 818-385-1500, ext. 244 or via
e-mail at amun@vsda.org.

Companies interested in exhibiting may contact Home Entertainment Event's Janet Gibson at jgibson@heeteam.com or by calling 1-800-854-3112, ext. 682.