send yer luv questions to jyd@unitshifter.com

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April 15
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SEX IN THE CITY OF JERUSALEM

You want to know how to make your lady feel special? I’ve always had this fantasy of someone sneaking into my window at night without making a sound. Creep over to my bedside where I lay fully clothed. I hear the sound of a sheep and some cattle in the background. I look up to see a shadow. It passes by the foot of my bed causing me to tremble. I see a match strike and a red candle is lit revealing the face of him. Johnny Depp stands topless looking down at me in the candle light and then we do it doggy style until six in the morning.

Dear junk yard dog~
I have an overwhelming desire to make sweet, sweet love to my neighbor's cousin's cat, but I don't want him to feel like he is being used. How do I avoid hurting him? Should I wine and dine him prior to doing the deed? Also, in which states is bestiality illegal?
Thanks,
Kitty Fucker

I think you can get away with your sick habit in Missouri, but that’s about as far as I could get looking into this beastiality for you. If I have to see one more girl sucking off a horse or getting fucked by a dog, I’m coming after you! You are sick and you made baby Jesus cry. Although I know that if you are interested in some nasty German or illegal beastiality films, just go to google to fulfill your fantasy. If I’m your neighbor’s cousin, I will be keeping an eye on my cat. Wine and dine for a cat I guess would just be some milk and tuna.

Spockandroll: How long can I plausibly stay in a relationship without giving my girlfriend oral sex? And what would you recommend as a substitute?

You could probably go about one date without giving oral sex unless you are really good in bed. I’ve let someone go as far as a month. I would suggest being really nice and buying things, as I would if you had a small penis. Ask her if she has any girlfriends that could come over and do the deed for you, but that could result in the loss of the relationship because we all know girls do it better. Offer to do her dishes, wash her back, clean up the dog poop in the backyard or shave her bikini area. Is there any particular reason why you won’t go downtown? If it’s the taste, just ask her to eat some tropical fruit a couple hours before hand. After all, you are what you eat in bed. If it’s the smell, hold your breath.

Drew: So, I have this reoccurring dream where alien space monkey's land on earth. They plan to kill everyone except me and the mate of my choice, with whom I'm to repopulate earth. My question is who should I pick?

Well, the obvious choice would be me. I would require artificial insemination from you though, and if that will be a problem maybe someone else. You should choose someone you find really hot that finds you repulsive because they will be forced to choose between death and you and that’s pretty hot. You should get a poo stick and whoever lets you touch them with it gets to be the lucky person. Is this a Noah’s Arc dream? Were you abused as a child? If it were up to me, I would choose my significant other at the time because they would be forced to love me forever and I’m a bitch like that.

Well if my creation taught me anything I know it had something to do with sex.

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February 21
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| DRINK | FIGHT | FUCK |

So, you want to know how to drink, fight, fuck?

I possess a comprehensive way to do all three, and in this order. For the best results, remember, you must follow these easy steps, do them in order of appearance, and J.O. while you read this.

Drink:
The first step in becoming a great drinker is practice. I usually go to a variety of liquor stores and bars in one night. If you drink as much as you can before the fighting, it would be optimal. First, I start off at home, after work hours. Around 5pm, don't hesitate to start drinking. Your friends, if you have any, will come over soon to share a drink. Go to a bar or a safe place to drink and make a fool of yourself. Get trashed.

Fight:
Fighting can sometimes be a playful thing that starts at the bar. Throwing things at people is acceptable as long as you are drunk, and maybe if you know them. Eventually, you need to end up in a scummy motel room that is rented by the hour. There needs to be at least a case of beer ready for that endeavor. Punching someone in the face is sometimes mean, but has to be done. I have had a concussion myself from drunken motel fighting. Rip the room apart while beating the shit out of your friends. Bruises are inevitable, but also my new fetish, so let the blood collect!

Fuck:
People that love to drink and fight probably like to fuck. All you need to do is pick someone who was either watching you fight, or biting the bloody hell out of you, to make out with. The making out should only last for maybe 3 minutes, then find a secluded corner or alley to get it on. Rip your clothes off, and with your drunken, vomitous, cigarette breath, whisper sweet nothings. You should say things like, "hey, what was your name again?" Or try "No, I'm not gay, but just this once", or even "I need another beer to make you enjoyable"! Easy to do, and if you can blackout at some point in the night, you can still enjoy dignity. Good Luck!

Any questions?

Hi Junkyard, what's your opinion on vibrators? For personal or for group usage? ..and how do we know which type is good?
-Lacie Pederson

JYD - My opinion of vibrators is of course YES. There are a variety of uses for these dirty phallusses. I like to leave them laying in the sink at my parent's house for kicks. If you put them in the dishwasher at someone else's house, that's neat too. I think personal and group usage would both be correct usage. It's always fun to masturbate alone or with friends and loved ones. Just make sure everyone sharing the vibrators has the same STDs. This could be a downfall. Picking your vibrator is fun for everyone. I like the weird knobby tips, blinking lights, rectal and clitoral stimulation. I saw a vibrator shaped like the Virgin Mary. That was blasphemous. I would say use that to your advantage. I like the vibrators designed to look like creepy things or plain old cock. Pocket vibrators are good for traveling and driving. You can bring them to the bar too. It's usually so loud, no one will know you're pleasuring your friends in the bathroom while they all dance to "Hey Ya" and drink PBR. I think there should be a surgically installed vibrator in everyone. It should be like some sort of Socialist right. "Everyone is entitled to an orgasm every day!" The people would love that.

How do you satisfy the ladies with a freakishly small penis?
-#2 X/J Cult

JYD - Well, if you penis is really that freakishly small that he/she shudders at its touch or refuses to touch it at all, try to use a strap-on. You could go for the implants. If it was me, I would shove a coat hanger wire down my urethra every day to stretch it to a semi-normal size. Eating her out would be nice. I would buy her a lot of things, though. I would always compliment her, and tell her how lucky you are, but of course she knows, especially if she's ever touched it. Another option would be sex change. All you can really do with that pinky would be comparable to a lesbian. All you can give is head and artificial cock, so try that. Plus, lesbians are neat.

Got questions? She's got answers! Pull that coat hanger out of yer urethra and hit up JYD at jyd@unitshifter.com.

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February 7
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I know most people out there don't really know what they're doing during sex, or what to expect when a carrot is introduced into the foreplay equation. I am here to help. I would highly suggest having sex while reading this, or at least occasionally scooting forward in your chair.

Inquiring minds:

J: I've been having trouble figuring something out lately. I don't know if I'm doing everything I can. I guess I just can't really tell. Just how do you know if a woman is having an orgasm or faking it?

In my experience, there have been several defining factors, but also some I am so proud are still a mystery. I will let you in. When a woman looks like she's about to vomit, that doesn't mean she's not enjoying herself, especially if she is a refluxophile. First of all, a real orgasm would be involving some sort of flexing of the vaginal wall. This is an indication of not faking it, unless your penis is too small to feel the effects. I would try asking after you think you have satisfied the woman. If the answer comes quickly, with no shortness of breath, blushing, or twitching, you have probably not done what your ego told you had been done. A few key points to keep in mind when an orgasm has occurred: extra vaginal fluid, leg twitching, palpitating vaginal wall, enlarged clitoris, red face or chest or neck, heavy breathing or passing out in blissful exhaustion. If you see at least one or more of these symptoms, chances are, you're getting her good.

C: What is the proper etiquette for eating at the "Y"?

Usually, I like to find a nice place to sit. After quite the workout, I usually get a little bit hungry. If you are talking about oral sex and the bliss of my existence, let me spread some gospel. Don't try to stick your entire arm in my vagina. Do stimulate the inside while lapping my sticky goodness. Don't look me directly in the face unless I love you. That makes me uncomfortable, especially if you're not so good looking. Make sure you don't pinch any sensitive areas while unzipping my pants. Upon inserting fingers in my ass, if I touch your hand immediately afterward, that means I'm not into anal stimulation right now. Put your finger in your own ass and pretend it's me. Always make sure I get off so, in case you can't satisfy me by penetration, I still get something out of it. For the ladies and men, use of vibrators and dildos is highly recommended by me. Why lie? You should always say something nice about a girl. This trickery is an easy way to get them off. If you have herpes in or around your mouth, do not give head unless your partner has genital warts, because it serves you right.

Pinki: My boyfriend seems like a normal guy most of the time but, he only gets me off by choking me, what does that mean?

I call this the Opposite INXS Reflex. We can refer to it as OIR. I myself enjoy OIR. I enjoy being choked, scratched, bitten, slapped, cut and spanked. I usually tell people to do these things though. In your case, if you were just surprised by the choking the first time it happened, that could be different. It might mean your partner, infected with OIR, is actually very healthy sexually. This person knows what he wants and takes it. If it bothers you, that would be the point to say something before the capillaries in your neck burst. Just imagine if this was some sort of mental illness. If they had a sado-masochist wing in any hospital, I would like to be admitted. The best sex in the world would be going on in there. Ah, the pain, the tears, blood and bruises. I may not be the best person to ask why they do this other than the complete satisfaction of having pain or inflicting it on others, but I can assure you, it gets me off too.

Gigantor: I have been in a relationship with someone I really care about for a lot longer than I have before. When we first met, the sex was amazing and we were like bunny rabbits, even having contests to see how much we could possibly make love. I want to renew this passion and continue enjoying it. How do you keep the foreplay interesting and get her soaking wet after 4 years?

You can keep things alive. I want to be a firm believer. You can try to remember the first times you were together, the good times. Do you remember the faces and games you would play in bed while tickling? If that doesn't work, there are a few techniques you can explore. Try bondage. Duct tape, candle wax, whips and harnesses would be a nice addition to any bedroom. I find there's always passion when you can be so trusting of someone to want them to hurt you. You could always go for the semi-bizarre to extreme options. Adding another member to the party is good for some, but can ruin the emotional experience. Instead, try vegetables like cucumbers, carrots, zucchini and eggplant. I personally prefer the carrots going in backward.

Now I will leave you with an introduction to Idaho sex. I have been visiting Idaho for some time and have noticed a few trends. If you ever find yourself in Idaho wanting to dabble in the art, avoid sheepskin condoms. First of all, that's gross; second, it's almost like cannibalism when you put the dead flesh of your lover inside. Lesbian cowgirls are just as easy to find as straight. Really cheap beer is the perfect foreplay.