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May 16
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- Look, all these assclowns out there better stop rockin my style and thinking they can get away with it... dragging motherfuckers around in leashes, puttin' bags on their heads and attaching jumper cables to their nuts, forcing them to watch buck-toothed mountain women get fingercuffed in ugly gangbangs--this is *my* schtick people. Fuck, you're taking food out of the mouths of the children I've strapped fulla' dynamite. And the last thing you fools want is a bunch of flakey suicide bombing pre-adolsecents tumbling around like iron-deficient veal all because you just had to plagiarize my gimmicks. Is there no fucking honor among you bastards?

- In other news, fuck Atkins. You wanna get skinny then you really oughta stop following the orders of lazy fatass fakeass doctors. Question the source. Start looking to people who are really as skinny as you wanna be and match their diets. What am I getting at? Well, just look at the media... who are the skinniest people in the media? Zombies. Right? 28 Days Later... Dawn of the Dead... those motherfuckin zombies are all skinny bags of bones. And what do they eat? Brains. So get to it. It's the Romero Diet... give it a few weeks, it'll be sweeping the country--I guaranfuckingtee it.

- Troy sucks. Brad Pitt should only play figments of the imagination, like in Fight Club and Betty's fingerbang fantasies.

- Those crazy fools at King's Mob seem to have finally gotten their shit together. Threat, the underground movie that was in production so long it made Kubrick look like a fucking go-getter speedfreak, was just acquired for theatrical distribution when a trailer played at the film festival part of the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. The distributor, HIQI, is well known for cool music-driven stuff like Radiohead's Meeting People Is Easy and the new flick Bodysong (as well as cool underground documentaries like Goober's wet dream The Backyard). HIQI says Threat will be in theaters Fall 2004. Until then, you can see a hot shit new trailer at www.threatmovie.com.

- They're remaking Rodney Dangerfield's Back To School with Cedric The Entertainer in ol' Rodney's role. Yep, it's a return to the glory days of old Hollywood. But can Cedric pull off a Triple Lindy? We shall see...

- Speaking of Back To School, someone tell Sally Kellerman she's gotta leak a sex video to the internet. Between Back To School, Meatballs III, and Follow That Bird, that bitch left me with more blue balls than Smurfland.

- Incidentally, at a time when the job market sucks so bad that air conditioner repairmen are heading in mass to temp jobs in Iraq, Cedric the Entertainer is getting way too much fucking work. Besides Back To School, he's also doing movie versions of The Honeymooners (apparently he can revive any funny and fat role) and that weird children's book line A Series of Unfortunate Events... not to mention the fact that he's currently starring alongside Andre 3000 in the Get Shorty sequel. Somebody hit that fool up with an alimony suit or something.

- Fantastic looking Jessica Alba is making a fantastic choice of roles by joining the cast of Sin City. Of course, this movie will inevitably suck since I just can't imagine Michael J. Fox in the role of Marv.

- Okay, bad joke, but the flick will inevitably suck nonetheless cuz Rodriguez is a fucking hack. And Frank Miller might make some pretty good comic books, but his script for Robocop 2 was not exactly the cure for the common cold. Thank you very much.

- Ving Rhames is gonna be in a movie called Night Train, but since it ain't based on the Guns N Roses song, we don't fucking care. (No no, Sidney, there's no fuck, it's just we don't care...)

- Posh Spice and Damon Dash have finally dropped their stupid collaboration project. Apparently, the shit went down when Sporty Spice refused to fuck Dash in the ass with her strap-on until he gave Posh the boot. Ever since Posh went back to blighty, Dash's ass has been noticeably less tighty. Walk it off, brotha, walk it off.

- Disinfo.com has put out a fucking amazing compilation of its Disinformation TV show, which includes features on tranny porn, outsider music, Kembra Pfahler, Joe Coleman, Genesis P-Orridge, conspiracies, and tons more in a 4 hour, 2 disk testament to how fucked up and cool the world occasionally is. Check it.

- What I Learned In School Today -
I'm An Idiot For Becoming A Terrorist Instead Of A Pro Baller.

Vivica Fox is fucking Baltimore Ravens' Jamal Lewis.
Nia Long is fucking LA Lakers' Derek Fisher.
Christina Aguilera is fucking Denver Nuggets' Carmelo Anthony.
Lynndie England is fucking the detainees in the War On Terror.
Goddamnit. If only I'd listened to my guidance counselor so many years ago. I mean, c'mon, like it's really harder to sink a little orange ball into that big net than, say, sinking a jet into the Pentagon. There's no fucking justice.

- I just want to say: Nas, you're a fucking pussy for throwing that beer bottle at me, and I hope the DA throws yer ass in The Tombs for all o' Lent so you can reflect on how much your career's sucked since the day after you dropped Illmatic.

- Here's the fucking truth, Nas was just trying to get fuckpoints with Paris Hilton, who was still pissed at me for all that bullshit last year. Way to go, you fucking clown, why don't you go lick her chin and lemme know how my balls taste.

- Looking for ballprints on Paris' chin would be like looking for fingerprints on a subway pole at rush hour.

- Quincy Jones is a fucking clown. He's gonna bring back that "We Are The World" shit and he's calling it "We Are The Future." With a talent roster including Alicia Keys, Angelina Jolie, Muhammad Ali, Lionel Ritchie, and Oprah Winfrey... one can only suggest he change the name to "We Are The Future Of Leaked Internet Sex Videos."

- Fuck. I can't figure out which would be better: an internet sex video of Muhammad Ali or Oprah. I think it'd hafta be Oprah. That would be unfuckingbelievable. Somebody get on that.

- London's Madame Tussaud's Museum will be making a wax model of Beyonce. That's nice, but I'm waiting for the Real Dolls edition--wax chafes too much.

- XBox will be previewing Playboy: The Mansion at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo. If they had any brains, it'd be Grand Theft Auto: The Playboy Mansion. The only thing better than an authorized visit to the Playboy Mansion would be an unathorized rape and pillage of the Playboy Mansion. Why don't these morons check with me before green-lighting this shit?

- Speaking of raping and pillaging, listen up, all you dumb Americans. You all have to stop being such a bunch of pussies. If you'd let your soldiers rape and pillage like every other army in the history of humanity, you wouldn't have this problem with these leashes and circle jerks. This is just backlash against all your PC bullshit. All you schmucks gave a fuck what Ted Koppel thought, but the real embedded reporters are the soldiers' and civilians' cellphone cameras. If the Rodney King video set off the LA riots, then what d'you think this is gonna do?

- And the War Show continues... leave it to you closeted homosexual Americans to invade a country and force all the POWs to be gay. That's some fucking American shit right there. You won't crush knuckles, but you may force people to toss a few salads. What'd you recruit the whole Mepham High School Football Team and ship em out to Baghdad? Maybe that's why the Moslems fought back so hard against the Crusaders back in the day... they knew it was just a bunch of priests looking for new nations of little boys to fingerbang. Unfuckingbelievable.

Check last month's installment here...