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January 5
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- John Wells Productions, the peeps who brought you The West Wing, just optioned the rights to make a movie adaptation of Matt Wagner's Grendel. With all these fucking comic book adaptations the past few years, I can't believe it took Hollywood this long to get going on a Grendel movie. The script is being written by Carl Lund (some fool with a blind script deal--must've been his idea), who'll be focusing on the story line of Christine Spar, adopted granddaughter of the notorious Hunter Rose -- aka the original Grendel. Spar was the focus of Wagner's book "Grendel: Devil's Legacy." Now shut up and buy that shit.

- It should go without saying that all these celebrity home-sex videos hitting the internet are just publicity scams--and hell, I ain't complainin'... but it would be nice if *for once* there was one that wasn't from a has-been or never-been trying to catch some limelight. Well, we might just have one... now, this is straight street gozzip so don't give me no polygraphs, but word is there might be an Alicia Keys sex video about to drop... and I don't really think it would do her much good since she's doing fine right now without it--so if it breaks, it might just be the real deal. And y'know all those rumors about her being a lipstick labia-licker? Well, word is the sex vid is of her and another female pop-starlet. This is good news for several reasons... not the least of which is that we're all getting pretty sick of these celebrities beating us with their humongous cock videos--sure, Tommy Lee can steer a boat with his cock, and, sure, he can play drums upside down in a spinning steel cage... but can he program HTML? Huh? Well, can he? I got a suitcase nuke with that guy's name on it.

- In other popstar hijinks, everybody's pissed at Eminem cuz they found a ten-year old tape of him spittin some racist rhymes. This is essentially the hip hop version of a sex video. Remember back when Lauryn Hill got busted for saying she'd rather her kids starve than white folks buy her records? Same shit. Press opp. Seems like being racist in hip hop is the same thing as being a dirty slut in the jet-set scene. Anyhow, Em's pleading the John McCain excuse: "I was mistreated by these minorities and I lashed out... sorry." Instead of adding some much needed to analysis to the scandal, we've opted to instead post a picture of Brooklyn, the newest artist to sign with Aftermath. She's black, she's bootylicious, and she probably hated white folks about ten years ago. BTW- Source Magazine is releasing the Eminem tracks on some CD... we're hoping it has the Gennifer Flowers phonetap as a bonus track--that was about ten years ago, right?

- That racist cracker Slim Shady also scored a publicity coup with an "unreleased" internet track mentioning that he'd like to see The President dead. Sort of. It wasn't really all that cool. And it was an awful rhyme. BUT! It's illegal to say you want the president dead. Well, know, that's not true. It's illegal to say "Kill President George W. Bush." [oops. fuck, I'm going to Guantanamo. hey, Carnivore, go fuck yourself]. It's not illegal, however, to say "Kill The President." And he didn't say that anyway. Suffice to say, the Secret Service didn't give a shit. But it scored whitey some more free press. Y'know, since nobody's heard of him already.

- In other President-bashing news, there's a contest running over at MoveOn.org (a Democratic Party-backed website) where you can make a short anti-Bush commercial and it'll get judged by a panel including Margaret Cho, Erik Estrada, Michael Moore, Jane Fonda, Joe Isuzu, and various others. Somebody made one where there's footage of Hitler speaking at a Nazi rally and ,under the Fuhrer's freestyle schpiel, the video makers typed in text from various Bush speeches. Yeah, real fuckin stroke of genius, but guess what?... another fucking media frenzy! A bunch of pissy neo-Conservatives wouldn't shut up about it and now the stupid thing is a freakin worldwide event. Personally, I don't give a shit if that clown in the Whitey House really *is* a Boy From Brazil, I demand greater ingenuity in my President bashing. Can we stop playing the fucking Hitler card, for fuck's sake?? And I'm talking to you, too, Dubya. Saddam Hussein ain't no Hitler... these days he looks more like Santa Clause in a falafel shop. Straight up, Hitler would *not* have been found hiding in his mom's basement. Hussein came off more like Anne fucking Frank than Adolf Hitler. Everybody just stop calling each other Hitler. That shit is fucking tired. Thank you.

- In hot piece of ass news, Katie Holmes might be cast in that new Batman movie. She's only kinda hot, though. She really oughta go back to roles like The Gift where she showed off those excellent cans. If we were producing the Batman movie, this would be a screen adaptation of The Killing Joke and ol' girl Holmes would be playing Batgirl. If you're not geek enough to know, Batgirl gets shot in the belly and instantly paralyzed, stripped naked, then photographed while enduring any manner of violation--then her dad, Commissioner Gordon, also gets stripped naked but he gets pushed around by a bunch of midgets with cattle prods and they put him in a funhouse which is full of all these ill pictures of his daughter all fucked up and naked. Now that right there is a fucking movie. And if Bob Saget played Gordon... fucking cinema history, my friend, cinema history.

- How come everybody loves documentaries about Swingers? Is it because you're all really bummed that your insignificant other stopped poking a finger up your butt during oral? First it was The Lifestyle then Married People, Single Sex, and now Strand Releasing is dropping the DVD for Sex With Strangers. If you can't bring yourself to hit up the old gloryhole, check it out--it's by the fools who made Taxicab Confessions. Probably has lots of ass for all you bored suburbanites.

- On the other hand, if you don't give a shit about "reality" but still wanna watch people fuck, Digital Playground just dropped The Hitman, a new comedy porn starring Jessica Drake and Alexa Rae. Jessica confided in Jesus that her ass pucker is actually quite beautiful, not a gaping, gooey butthole... apparently even her mother-in-law was impressed. You think I'm fucking with you, but I'm not. Check out Jessica's killer ass in The Hitman trailer, right here.

- George Clinton's been smoking the crank again. Apparently he dropped his crack pipe right in front of a bunch of cops. Ha! When the cops asked him if he had any illegal items on him, the stealthy bastard said "just some cocaine." Way to go, George.

- Vince McMahon's making a horror movie. Ryan-O hopes it's full of greased up musclebound retards grinding on each other.

- Remember that beef I was telling you about The Weinsteins and Michael Bay unit-dueling over who gets to make the remake of Amityville Horror? Well, they decided, and it's gonna be Hakim Bey. Uh, no, that guy doesn't give a fuck about Long Island. Actually, Michael Bay and The Weinstens decided to play nice and make it together.

- In related news, neither The Weinsteins nor Michael Bay will know what hit em when they try to release that Amityville Horror remake. Why? Because UnitShifter has its own Long-Island-horror-movie project in development. It's called Mepham High School Horror. No shit, you'll be having nightmares about jocks tea-bagging you for weeks. Weeks!

- Hey, here's one for the little guy! The Sundance Film Festival just added a new movie to the line-up... it's called The Clearing and it stars Robert Redford. Hey, wait a minute...

- Snoop Dogg's Mom is suing Suge Knight. Seems that there apparently was some Mepham-style hazing going on at Death Row. I don't wanna name gamez, but there was a "Salad Tossing" requirement whenever new artists signed to the label. Word is, Snoop prefers Nutella.

- That dork Blake Edwards (yeah, the guy who made all those fucking Pink Panther movies) is getting an honorary Oscar. Hey, Academy of Arts & Sciences, fuck that guy. Where's the honorary Oscar for Rutger Hauer? That guy kicked so much ass back in the eighties... way more than that buttmonkey Edwards. Remember when Hauer ripped Jennifer Jason Leigh in half way back in 1984's The Hitcher? That shit rawked.

- Paying homage to one of Hollywood's most enduring principles, nepotism, the hosts of The 2004 Sundance Film Festival Awards Show will be famous-family-kids Jake Gyllenhaal and Zooey Deschanel. That Zooey kid is a cutie. Did you know her dad is the cinematographer on that Mel Gibson flick The Passion Of The Christ?

- Speaking of Mel and Jesus, The Pope has weighed in on the subject. He says that Mel's depiction of Christ getting his ass-kicked by the Jews is "the realest shit." Mel refused to comment, since he considers The Pope to be a sell-out for apologizing about The Holocaust. To date, Mel still refuses to apologize for We Were Soldiers.

- Peter Dinklage, that midget from Elf and The Station Agent, is up for an IFP Spirit Award for his performance in the latter. Unfortunately, he was passed up for an Oscar nomination. When questioned on the subject, The Academy of Arts & Sciences sent out a press release saying: "We don't give Oscars to midgets and other small people. They frighten us like elephants are frightened of mice. For this reason, none of us have seen Return of the King... or The Last Samurai."

- Get it? Ahh, fuck off.

- So I came across this Freemason manual and it had a whole section on the rules for how Freemasons are allowed to participate in parades. One of the lines said: "Nubians and black faced clowns are not allowed." How fucking brilliant is that? I'm getting it tattooed on my back in old english. That shit is hot.

- Jack's Playground 5 is finally out. This is the funniest shit around, I'm not kidding. It's doing for porn what Jackass did for... well, being a jackass. I'm not a big porn-hound myself and I fucking hate reality shit, but the JP series had me laughing my turbin off. It's porn, too, so it's a practical investment. Peep the trailer right here.

- Lance Henrikson is gonna be in the Aliens vs. Predator movie, sort of reprising his role of Bishop from Aliens. Apparently he was the only human actor they could find who's ugly enough to stand out between a pack of aliens and predators. Was that mean? Sorry, Lance, you know we love ya.

- Mena Suvari is gonna do six episodes on Six Feet Under. Hopefully, she'll be playing a corpse... ooh, that'd be dope if she was a corpse and it was a necrophilia story arc. That's the kind of shit they should be casting her in... the perfect role for a half-cute girl who can't act: nothin' but big blue lips and not a peep coming out of her.

- By the way, fuck that piece of shit movie Spun. Or... buy it here! Shameless, that's what we are. Fucking shameless.

- Butch Cassidy and Patton are being inducted into The National Film Registry, along with 23 other movies... none of which is Starship Troopers. What's up with that?

- Now that Britney is a used up old hag, Nickelodeon is getting dibs on her kid sister, Jamie Lynn Spears. Anonymous sources tell us that the deal was negotiated on three main "dealbreaker" points: "1. Jamie won't get fake boobs. 2. Jamie won't get married and then unmarried. 3. Jamie won't give Talibano anymore lapdances at LA hotel coke-parties." Fuck.

- The Golden Globes nominees were announced. Cold Mountain will probably win... since it's a Civil War movie starring a Limey, an Aussie, and an Anorexic--yeah, just like it really was back then. Bend It Like Beckham was nominated for best comedy. The only thing funny about that piece of shit movie is how quickly the White Bitch Actress left the Indian Bitch Actress in her dust.

- Looks like they found one "Mad Cow" in the US. The cattle farmers have neglected to mention that all the other cows were pretty pissed off, too.

- Your mom is so fat that if she hated drunk driving, she would be a M.A.D.D. Cow!

- Sorry.

- Supposedly we've all gotta see that new movie Monster about Aileen Wuornos because it's oh-so-good, but it really bums me out to hafta see Charlize Theron look so busted. Here's a pic to make you feel better after you watch her get beat with the ugly magic stick for two hours.

- Another good movie that you've got to see (even though it has no boobs in it) is Errol Morris' new one: The Fog of War, which profiles former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara and his role in shaping The Cold War. It stars Jesse Jane, here's a pic of her.

- Jesse Jane's not really in that movie. But if that lie gets you into the theater, so be it.

- FCC Big Poppa Powell Jr. just took it in the ass from Rupert Murdoch. News Corp is gonna buy 34% of DirecTV parent Hughes Electronics, a subsidiary of General Motors. The deal's gonna give News Corp the largest block of shares in Hughes and controlling interest in DirecTV, which has more than 11 million subscribers. Monty Burns would be fuckin stoked.

- Word is that MGM and Time-Warner might merge... cuz, y'know, that whole AOL/Time-Warner thing worked out so well.

- Norway found Jon Johanssen not guilty in that DeCSS DVD cracking/piracy case. Luckily for Jack Valenti, nobody in the US gives a fuck what Norway thinks.

- VH1 is gonna keep Ted Nugent employed for another year with that show Surviving Nugent. UnitShifter's favorite vegan warrior, Holocaust, turned down the chance to reprazent against Nugent cuz he can't be a veggie-ninja anymore if he's spotted on national television. Nugent has no idea how many of his lucky stars he should be thanking right now.

- Although Nugent still has a job, Jesse Ventura ain't so lucky--MSNBC cancelled his ass.

- Master P. has been pimping his kid Lil Romeo out, trying to score himself a few movie gigs and Disney finally bit--despite such forewarnings as I Got The Hook Up. The father-son team will be making some fucking terrible movies in the next few years, including Uncle P. (described as "an urban Uncle Buck meets Mr. Mom") and Shorty (about a midget alien who raps). Yeah, good job, Eisner--I'd resign, too.

- Alyson Hannigan, that cute nerdgirl who played the lesbo on Buffy, is gonna play the role of Sally in the London stage adaptation of Rob Reiner's feel-good classic When Harry Met Sally. The role of Harry? Uh... try Beverly Hills 90210 alum Luke Perry. And you thought Billy Crystal necessitated a fake orgasm, try Dylan McKay in 2004--yikes. [BTW- did you realize Hannigan was this fucking hot? Holy shit.]

- Mark Cuban and Todd Wagner, those two butt-cowboys who made $5.7 billion selling Broadcast.com at the right second, are buying shit left and right. First, Cuban launched bougie TV channel HDNet, then they bought the Landmark Theaters chain, and now they've bought indie distribution company Magnolia Pictures. Fuckin-a. Murdoch, you better watch that ass.

- Ashanti's gonna be in a movie called Carter. And it's not a porn. Bitch.

- That buttmonkey Eli Roth sure is one lucky motherfucker. Not only did his movie Cabin Fever make it so he'll never have to do an honest day's work in his life, but he scored a guest appearance by lovely porn queen Stephanie Swift for the Cabin Fever DVD special features. Clearly, there is a God, and she has no taste when it comes to which directors she oughta bless.

- The coroner thinks Elliott Smith might have been murdered. What?? No way! People always stab themselves in the chest when they're gonna commit suicide! C'mon!

- What's up with hip hop guys and shoes? Are they all just bummed cuz their mommies wouldn't buy them Air Jordans back in 4th grade? Pharrell is the newest one to have a shoe deal with Reebok. Judging by how that fool sings, it'll probably be a loafer--and a light one at that.

- That fool from The Kinks got shot in New Orleans. Maybe Ryan-O cares.

- John Waters is still making movies, but they don't have trannies in them anymore. His new one pits two groups of families & friends against each other: "The Sex Addicts" versus "The Neuters." Clever clever man.

- Rumors rumors rumors: supposedly the blonde chick Jaime King from Bulletproof Monk is up for the role of Wonder Woman. Hmph. Obviously they've got a team of monkeys casting that movie since they keep overlooking the obvious... Betty White.

- OutKast has a DVD coming out... that way you can watch the "Hey Ya!" video over and over trying to figure out if it's all the same guy or if they all just look the same. Uh oh. Nubians and black-faced clowns are not allowed in this parade!

- Louis Vutton dumped JLo as its "face." Doesn't the crash and burn of The Lofflecks just fill you with the most mysanthropic glee??

- We're not the only ones enjoying the Fall of the House of Loffleck. That yenta of a writer Jackie Collins is basing her new literary serial-wife "Lola Sanchez" on Jenny from the block--who's poised to have more hubbies than a queen bee.

- Chingy's new video will feature him gettin his grind on with Keshia Knight Pulliam... that's right--Rudy from The Cosby Show. I'm tellin ya--he blew it by overlooking Dee from What's Happenin'. Poseur.

- MC Hammer is gonna star in a comedy series on the WB. But you don't care about that. What you do care about is that Video Team, the leading producer of ethnic-themed porn, just signed hottie Ayana Angel as a contract girl. Don't I know you so well? No? You prefer Hammer? Alrighty then. This is precisely why I do not envy Jesus' job.

- This is fucking odd. There's this Japanese martial arts film called Volcano High that they're bringing over to the US, right? Well, when they did the dubbing, apparently they cast Snoop Dogg, Method Man, Kelis, Mya, and Andre 3000 to do the voices. How fucking weird is that? Somebody send me a promo copy of this shit, I'm fucking baffled.

- Good Charlotte still sucks. Everytime MTV plays the video for their stupid Wilson-Phillips cover, another teenager commits suicide.

- Shakira may look okay in still photos, but she's fucking cheesy to watch in videos. What is that shit? She dances like Tickle Me Elmo.

- You ever notice that country music stars and rappers almost always turn out to be the best musicians-turned-actors? Well, following in the footsteps of Dolly Parton and Kris Kristofferson, country music star Travis Tritt is heading to Hollywood. But, unlike them, he's getting started in a horror movie called 2001 Maniacs, a remake of H.G. Lewis' 2000 Maniacs. Apparently they had to wrap the camera in a plastic bag, because the blood doesn't just spurt--it *sprays*. Whatever. Hopefully Tritt can play psycho as well as country contemporary Dwight Yoakam, who was pretty good in Panic Room despite the fact that we hear he's kind of a dick to waitresses.

- There's some dumb-looking "supernatural thriller" coming out called Godsend. The good news? Rebecca Romjin-Stamos gets naked in it. It's not really worth it, but you can check out the four-minute clip here.

- They're shooting Constantine all over LA right now and it really sounds like it's just gonna suck. Not only is Keanu starring in this adaptation of uber-comic book Hellblazer, but the screenplay was re-written by Akiva Goldsman, who's responsible for penning the back-to-back atrocities Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. Ugh.

- Supposedly Chelsea Clinton got her groove back by grinding on Mark Wahlberg on a tabletop in a Miami club. Mark, c'mon dawg, you're hittin' up the wrong President's daughter... The Gore Girls are way hotter and The Bush Girls are the ones who know how to party. You'd think B-List stars like Wahlberg would have higher standards, y'know?

- Ashton Kutcher's restaurant got jacked for $5Gs on a Tuesday morning. Who robs a restaurant on a Tuesday morning?

- Sarah Michelle Gellar may be in the re-make of Ju-On (The Grudge), directed by Takashi Shimizu (the guy who directed the original) and produced by Sam Raimi's Ghost House Pictures. This would be great news if Gellar wasn't such a fucking annoying cunt.

- Forget Aliens vs. Predator, the deathmatch to watch in 2004 is gonna be Yahoo! vs. Google. Word is that Yahoo is getting ready to launch a three-pronged assault on Google for internet-juggernaut bragging rights. Stay tuned, this is gonna get ugly.

- It's completely possible that Google will choose not to retaliate against Yahoo. Why? Well, there appears to be a new adversary on the horizon who may topple Yahoo all by himself. Yes, it's big Snoop Dogg. Snoop has announced that he will take on both Yahoo and Hotmail with his new urban-themed e-mail service Hot-Mizzle. In addition to all the standard e-mail options, Hot-Mizzle will also enable users to "maintain a stable of virtual bitches, decorate one's inbox with a variety of 'bling' and links to reputable online drug dealers."

- You think I'm fuckin with you, but I ain't.

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: UNITSHIFTER :
Nubians and black-faced clowns are not allowed.
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Check last month's installment here...