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! Halloween News Flash !
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- 28 Days Later is out on DVD. Ryan-O gave it a great review. Yeah, well we here at Team Gossip disagree and we thought you should know. That movie blows. The opening is fantastic. Fuckin scary and ballsy and brutal. Excellent. Thumbs up. But here's the deal... if you wake up one morning to find out you're the last guy on Earth and the last woman on Earth happens to be Naomie Harris... THAT IS NOT A HORROR MOVIE! IT'S A FANTASY! Fuck the zombies, the first thing you would do is get started repopulating the planet! You want to make a horror movie, leave us to repopulate the Earth with our grandmothers. That said, the movie is okay, but once the army gets involved it's pretty lame... it becomes just an action-hero movie and we still don't understand how that dork becomes such a badass. And no matter how many endings they throw on the DVD, they still haven't come up with a good one. Fuck that movie. All you can really say is that it's better than A Life Less Ordinary. Talk about lowering expectations...

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October 29
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- Apparently, Katie Holmes is playing Raggedy Ann in some piece-of-shit indie movie.

- On the set of Mel Gibson's controversial The Passion of Christ (a re-envisioning of the Christ vs. Galactus epic), Jim Caviezel, the chap playing Jesus H., was struck by lightning. No really-we ain't shittin' you. And get, this, it was the *second* time lightning struck on the set. Apparently, Jehovah is pissed. In retaliation, Gibson, an outspoken homophobe, called God "a fucking faggot" and "a dirty jew." God had no response at press time.

- Ben Affleck's movies suck so bad that now the studios won't even make em anymore! Hahaha! We don't even have a punchline that shit is so funny!

- Mia Kurshner is really fucking hot. Umh. Yeah. That's all we have to say on the subject.

- Artisan Entertainment (the film distributor that brought you Blair Witch Project) is getting its ass bought out by Lion's Gate (those wacky canucks who brought you American Psycho 2). It won't be long before UnitShifter buys the whole lot of 'em and puts bullets in the backs of their heads execution style. Hell yeah.

- That piece of shit hack who went from Grumpy Old Men to Grumpier Old Men to Daredevil, Mark Steven Johnson, is going out of his way to make as many shitty movies as possible. Besides Daredevil 2 and Elektra both on his slate, he's got a vampire movie called Succubus in development and, despite our constant badgering for him to climb aboard the cluetrain, he's still moving ahead with Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider. Schmuck.

- Lil Kim is stealing Morgan Fairchild's last remaining gig: Old Navy commercials. We hear she's also going to be usurping Fairchilde's role in the upcoming remake of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure which is to be helmed by McG (of Charlie's Angel's remake fame).

- Uhh... is it possible that producers still want to try and adapt Alan Moore comic books into movies-even *after* seeing the results with From Hell and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?? Word on the street is that Revolution Studios is developing a film version of the fanboy powderkeg Watchmen... and it seems that John Cusack is on board to play Dan/Nite-Owl. We like John Cusack in theory, but, then again, he did subject us to Pushing Tin and Identity. Fuck 'im.

- Umh. Nas hasn't really had a good album since Illmatic... I think we can all agree on that. In his vain efforts to win back an audience, he is set to guest appear on Korn's upcoming album. Apparently he finally won a battle against Jay-Z: the-who-can-be-more-gay battle. Jay-Z almost won by having Madonna guest appear on his "Justify My Thug" track-but, luckily for the Hova's career, the deal fell through. In related news, Hilary Duff is appearing on the new Lil John album. She's gonna get CRUNKY!

- Virtual Sex With Jesse Jane is on top for sales & rentals in all of porn these days. That's because Jesse Jane is hot (NEWSFLASH: Jesse's gonna be next month's UnitShifter Cover Girl!). The Virtual Sex... series are DVDs where you can change camera angles while starlets pretend to be fucking you. We actually find it rather unsettling, but tons of people love that shit. This new edition features a host of cutting edge new special features, including (1) Titty Sex (2) Titty Massage (3) Ass Massage, and (4) Cream Pie Orgasms. Uh...

- We were just kidding about the Pee Wee remake. Stop being so fucking gullible. (Attention Hollywood Executives: remake Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)

- RERUN'S DEAD! Fuckin-a, man. We thought Quentin Tarantino was gonna re-ignite old boy's career with a cameo in Kill Bill or something. Poor Rerun... ain't nothin happenin' now. Speaking of What's Happening?, how fucking hot was Raj's sister Dee?Oh yeah!... we're looking for her on Child Stars Gone Wild!

- Ludacris is coming out with a line of shoes... now those are some kicks kids *oughta* be killed for wearing!

- Jack's Playground 3 hits pornstands today. Jack's Playground is hilarious reality porn that actually had the generally humorless Jesus rolling in his own semen (check the review for JP1 here).

- David Duchovny has a new movie called House of D that he's writing and directing. Erykah Badu is gonna be in it. Guess what? It's still gonna suck.

- Sanaa Lathan is gonna fight Aliens and Predators in 20th Century Fox's Aliens vs. Predator. Apparently they waited so long to make this movie because they couldn't find a hot woman tough yet manly enough to fill Sigourney Weaver's combat boots. We think they shoulda gone with Jamie Lee Curtis... she's a cutie with great cans and she also has that tough mom thing going for her--plus we hear she has a penis AND a vagina, which is pretty fucking cool.

- Missy has a new song called "Funky Toyz" about vibrators on her upcoming album. She's just jackin Ducky Doolittle's orgasmic performance on the DiY-Fest CD.

- Yet another posthumous hip hop release: Rawkus is putting out a Big L record called Real Legends Don't Die. Hey guys, they do. Sorry, but just fuckin stop it already. We're gonna put out a record called Real Labels Don't Cash In On Dead Artists and it'll only feature artists who have died recently in violent situations... otherwise none of you motherfuckers will buy it. But, y'know, it's the title that counts.

- In other dead hip hop stars news, the 1-year anniversary of Jam Master Jay's death will bring us Ultimate Run-DMC, a 2-disc CD/DVD set. We're just trying to figure out what took them so long.

- Ashanti won't go away. Not only does the bitch have a Christmas album coming out (who buys those fuckin things anyway???), but that stupid "Rain On Me" video is gonna be playing in fuckin movie theaters. Yeah, of course we'd all like to see her get her ass kicked on an even bigger screen, but c'mon. They're also gonna be selling DVDs of the video with soda at the concession stand. How come females in the hip hop world never get gunned down?

- In related news, Talibano is living in a cave with Osama bin Laden after writing that last bit.

- Oh fuck, this is pretty dope. G-Unit is teaming up with Rockstar Games for Grand Theft Auto: G-Unit City. That's the best news we've heard all day.

- Artisan just finished shooting the Man Thing movie, based on Marvel's tenth-rate hero from Tampa. Unfortunately, it will have little in common with 1989's Return of Swamp Thing, which starred Heather Locklear before she was so fuckin old.

- Rob Zombie has a comic booked coming out called Nail, about satanic bikers in the mid-70s who torment an aging pro wrestler living out of his RV. Uh. Hey Rob! Get over here and let us teabag you!

- Don't buy the hype, Kill Bill is a boring, bloated piece of shit. The only good things are (a) a *fantastic* animation sequence, and (b) Lucy Liu is so fucking H.O.T.

- Horror king Bob Clark is gonna see some of his earlier works remade by contemporary hacks with no original ideas of their own. Clark (who left the horror scene and took his genius with him, making mainstream films like Porky's and A Christmas Story) is rumored to be selling the remake rights to his early films Deathdream, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, and Black Christmas. That assclown who made Cabin Fever is said to be directing Deathdream.

- In other remake news, Jim Carrey will be the Six Million Dollar Man. What the fuck is wrong with Jim Carrey??? He's done nary a good film since Once Bitten.

- That little kidnapped girl Elizabeth Smart has more merchandising out there than Gene Simmons. Her parents and Doubleday Books are all pissed at CBS for fucking up the book/TV-show/Katie-Couric-interview cross promotion. Fuckin weird.

- After finishing the new Exorcist prequel, director Paul Schrader (who also directed Cat People and wrote Taxi Driver, among many other classics) got the axe. Word is Warner Brothers is replacing him with Renny Harlin (of Cutthroat Island infamy). Uhhh. What? How do these braniacs in Hollywood stay in business??

- Former VCA contract girl Kylie Ireland has a new sex talk radio show on internet radio station K-SEX--the show netcasts every Thursday at 9pm pacific.

- Apparently, after Epic made Good Charlotte they didn't break the mold--instead they passed it along to Atlantic who put Simple Plan in and re-molded. It's the great PlayDough Pop-Punk Factory woo hoo!

- In related news, Simple Plan singer Pierre Bouvier and former-Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford have called it quits. Bouvier wrote his band's recent hit "Perfect" for Halford, whom he affectionately refers to as "Daddy." After Halford showed Bouvier the ropes on how to survive as a closeted-gay-man while fronting a rock group, the two engaged in a torrid but short-lived love affair. Alas, there's no room for relationships in rock-n-roll.

- In more related news, UnitShifter can no longer make fun of Simple Plan because Ian MacKaye got a Simple Plan tattoo on his back. We don't wanna wind up on that motherfucker's bad side.

- No Doubt recently unveiled their Greatest Hits CD which features a cover of 80s band Talk Talk's "Its My Life"... apparently No Doubt couldn't come up with another hit on their own. No Doubt has proven just how much they suck by covering a second-rate song and doing a third-rate job on it--not unlike The Ataris covering Don Henley's "Boys of Summer," where the tenth-rate pop-punkers pussify the 80s song to the point of making Henley look like Glenn fucking Danzig. Is it just us or is everyone doing lousy 80s covers all of a sudden? You can blame Limp Bizkit, but--hate on them all you want--their cover of George Michael's "Faith" was fucking brilliant. In unrelated news, Good Charlotte wanted to do an 80s cover but then realized that they're essentially an 80s cover band to begin with.

Check last month's installment here...