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November 15
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-Why is Cartman singing the chorus on that new Tupac song?

- If you're in LA, you're out of your mind if you miss Anxiety Films' third annual 24 hour filmathon SHOCK-O-RAMA-A-GOGO. The fest runs from 7pm on Friday Nov 21 until 2am on Sunday Nov 23. It features exploitation and horror movies, live music, and two different burlesque freakshows, not to mention a 35mm screening of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Fuckin A. Check the schedule and grab yer tix here.

"I hope my publicist gets that sex video to Talibano!"

- Paris Hilton fucked some dude who's got a much bigger cock than Talibano and you can see it all online. It's on nightvision cam so she looks green with shiny eyes like a rich, blonde, anorexic alien. Woo hoo! When are we gonna start seeing some celebrity sex videos where we can laugh at how small the famous dude's pecker is or how big the famous chick's ass is? At least in the Pam & Tommy video it was fun to see what terrible lays they are, despite their gargantuan extremities. We're starting to think these are all just publicity stunts and millions of dollars are spent doing boner-and-cooch-enhancement with Flame and After Effects to convince us these people can fuck. F this shit, you hear me?? F it! Thank you.

- Speaking of pirated videos, the narcs that you fools elected into public office are on our asses again. Bipartisan legislation is gonna make it so: it's a felony to videotape a movie in the theater, it's punishable by up to three years in jail to possess a single copy of a bootlegged movie, and it's a $250,000 fine to offer any movie on a file-sharing network. Let the War On Piracy begin.

No matter how tight she ties that shit, JLo's ass is waiting to explode.

- That trainwreck JLo is having a hard time making ends meet, so she's branching out into lingerie. The one good thing that might come of this is if she adapts the Miracle Bra into some sort of Miracle Ass to squeeze those cheeks together and make them tumble over your belt loop like anal cleavage. Hey JLo, please address all lingerie samples to Bobo, his ass could use some tightening!

- Bruce Almighty was banned in Egypt. Whatever.

- Ice Cube is making a road movie comedy with Nia Long (who also joined him in Friday and Boyz N The Hood). These Cube comedies are growing tiresome, but that Nia's a cutie.

- Fox has decided to leave porn to the Valley: its much ballyhoo'd TV drama Skin was sent to the recycle bin.

- Our nemesis, Halle Berry, just made a deal with one of Michael Moore's nemeses, Nike, to make some sneakers. 9 year old children in Rwanda are reportedly very happy to be making the sneakers. If you buy these things and get shot at and someone steals your shoes, it might just be an escaped child slave. Payback's a bitch and so is Halle.

- Dreamworks got bought up by Universal and now all their executives are gonna be fluffers for Jimmy Iovine.

- Foxy Brown might have an Osbournes-style reality show coming soon. Unless it's on the Spice Channel, it's probly a bad idea.

- There's gonna be a Vampire Lestat musical on Broadway. Musical theater goths are psyched. Elton John is gonna be one of the songwriters. Uh, that dude's not goth. Sorry, kids.

- CBS pussied out with its two-part miniseries The Reagans about our ol' buddies Ron & Nancy. When faced with protests and an advertising boycott, CBS Chairman Les Moonves said "fuck this shit" and passed it off to Showtime.

- Did you hear this shit about pictures of a topless Jessica Lynch appearing in an upcoming issue of Hustler? Apparently, she was doing a bit of frolicking with fellow soldiers stationed in Fort Bliss, TX before shipping out to Iraq, no doubt this was all in preparation for the shock and awe campaign. There are leaks that the military troop was only captured because the guy soldiers slipped the female soldiers a bunch of roofies right before the ambush.

- In related news, the TV movie about Elizabeth Smart beat the TV movie about Jessica Lynch. Apparently, Juggs magazine has scored pics of Elizabeth Smart in nothing but a diaper.

- Chaos Comics is making a full-length animated movie about Lady Death. Why is it that we have such a thing for animated babes? Is it because they kill people and they don't menstruate? Quite possibly...

- Apparently that assbandit John Wells (who produced The West Wing) is developing a remake of Dark Shadows. They're calling it the Untitled Vampire Project, but they can't fool us since Dan Curtis is co-executive producer and the lead character's name is Barnabas. We remember back in the day when Dark Shadows was on right before Duck Tales. Those were some good times.

- It's a pretty light news week, huh?

- Apparently that geek from Boy Meets World has signed on for a sequel to Cabin Fever, with that same dork director doing it. At least it'll keep them busy so they won't be making lousy remakes of better filmmakers' good ideas.

- Oops, spoke to soon. Fellow member of the Crap Pack Richard Kelly (okay okay, his movie Donnie Darko was alright) is in talks with that Cabin Fever assclown director to adapt an old Twilight Zone episode into a movie. See? They have no original ideas. Hey guys, you will never be Rod Serling. It ain't gonna happen. Let it go.

- Supposedly the team behind X-Men and X2 are hard at working not only on X-Men 3, but also on a solo outing for Wolverine. Unfortunately for us, the title role will not be played by Glenn Danzig.

- Fangoria is setting its sights on theatrical distribution with the upcoming release of The Last Horror Movie. We haven't seen it, but supposedly it's a pretty good update of Man Bites Dog. Umh, didn't Man Bites Dog only come out about ten years ago? Does it really need an update already? Christ.

- Goonies 2? Yeah, maybe. Apparently Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg have coughed up the cream for this script. The story is about a newer group known as the Groonies (an update to the name due to an Asian boy's speech impediment... uh), but there will also be a guest appearance by the original dream team themselves. Sean Astin better get his fatass on a stairmaster right fuckin now.

- Disney might make parts 2 and 3 of Pirates of the Caribbean at the same time, because it worked so well for Matrix and Back To The Future.

- Matrix Revolutions is making some loot at the box office. We're trying really hard not to see it, but we'll probably get dragged there eventually. Warner Brothers noticed how much people dislike the sequels, so they may release a trilogy DVD box set *before* dropping the Matrix Revolutions DVD as a stand-alone... y'know, to spare themselves the embarrassment. If so, the trilogy box set will be out in time for Christmas (read: really fuckin soon) and the Matrix Revolutions stand-alone will be out in January when nobody's paying attention. We in the industry call this a shallow grave dug quickly.

- Tim Burton's making a Charlie & The Chocolate Factory movie. When exactly was the last time that fuckwad made a good movie?

- Cameron Diaz is gonna play an extreme sporting Playboy Playmate in the upcoming movie X-Girls. It will probably be terrible and she certainly won't be getting naked, but this useless little news item does afford us the opportunity to slap a hot picture of Cameron up in the gossip column.

Enjoy.

Check last month's installment here...