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December 5
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- So, I heard tracks off the new Icarus Line album today. Sorry, kiddies. It's really fucking good. And it pains me to say that.

That's what Sauron's vagina looks like when Black Mamba's done with it... youch!

- Peter Jackson is trying to make a Lord of the Rings museum, but he's getting cockblocked by JRR Tolkien's son, Christopher Tolkien. Fuck that guy, we'd rather see a Peter Jackson Museum... since the sets from Heavenly Creatures and Dead Alive were pretty fucking kickass themselves. In any case, the stupid LOTR museum is supposed to be in New Zealand, so who fucking cares anyway?

The only thing coming out of Gwynnie is the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the universe.

- That troll Gwyneth Paltrow has a brood growing in her belly and she's pointing fingers at the dork singer of Coldplay. If he's really the daddy, then, in all likelihood, the poor child will not be able to sing *or* act.

- Ghostface Killah, in a really weird PR campaign, will be handing out 1,000 sleeping bags to homeless people out front the Bowery Bar in support of his Troop clothing label.

Dude, we can totally see the tripod on the left over there... that shit ain't real.

- George Bush II is expected to announce plans for US astronauts to return to the moon. In related news, NASA has hired Pixar Studios (Finding Nemo, Toy Story) to create the doctored photos of our astronauts landing on the moon. Hey guys, fool us once shame on you, fool us twice--err, whatever.

- Busta Rhymes and Xzibit both have DVDs on the way. Xzibit's will feature new music from his Strong Arm Steady crew and guest appearances by Busta, WC, Talib Kweli, Ice-T, G-Unit, and Cypress Hill. Busta's DVD drops on March 23rd and Xzibit's drops on March 2nd. In an interview on BET, they both said "Buy this shit at the UnitShifter store!" Thanks, guys.

She had the best plan for solving the budget crisis: tax lapdances.

- Marketing industry trade magazine Brand Week has congratulated Kick-Ass Productions in their "Guerrilla Marketers of the Year" annual feature. What did the little porn production company do to earn such mainstream recognition? Well, the commendation was for Kick-Ass' Mary Carey Gubernatorial Campaign. It's absolutely amazing... we all knew it was a PR scam, but it's still priceless and seems to have earned Kick-Ass a bunch of shiny new pennies. Good for them. In related news, Cruz Bustamante has signed on to be a Kick-Ass contract actor in the "All Anal All The Time" series.

- Speaking of sex videos as PR stunts, Paris Hilton has gotten unbelievable ratings for The Simple Life. That show would've gone completely unnoticed if not for her nightvision ass-wiggling escapades, which just continues to prove our point that the bitch's people had that shit planned. All we can really do is applaud. We're hoping Hillary Clinton takes that strategy to heart if she ever decides to jump into the Prez race.

- The Assistant US Attorney who was prosecuting Papi Jenkinz was found stabbed to death in Jersey. Never fuck with a guy named Papi. Except Bobo's Grand Papi. That guy's a pussy.

Asia is cleaning up the family name with gutsy movie choices and fucking hot photos.

- There's a new Dario Argento movie coming out, The Card Dealer. After Sleepless, though, we really don't give a shit about ol' Dario--especially now that his hot daughter Asia is making her own movies.

- And, back to the Hilton, tons of Democrat elites got together at the Hilton in Beverly Hills for a strategy meeting called Hate Bush. After that windbag Matt Drudge rambled about it on his national radio show, tons and tons of regular ol' Bush Haters decided to show up. Matt Drudge has since decided to give away the secret locations of underground raves, Indian burial grounds, and public bathroom glory holes. Talibano is expected to be walking funny for weeks.

- Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen tied for 84th place on The Hollywood Reporter's Most Powerful Women in Hollywood list. Umh. What about Candace Cameron? Former child star and current president of SAG, Melissa Gilbert, ranked 89th.

- Michael Caine is gonna play Alfred opposite Christian Bale's Batman. Dude, Caine is just gonna make Bale look like the no-talent lightweight he is... and as the butler? Caine should totally be a bad guy like maybe Megatron or Galactus or Cruella de Ville.

- Shock-O-Rama Cinema will be presenting its newest joint Screaming Dead at Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors (January 9-11 at the Meadowlands Sheraton in New Joizy). Misty Mundae and Rachael Robbins will be there, answering questions and looking oh so fuckable.

- Brendan Fraser is working on a remake of Elio Petri's The Tenth Victim. Brendan, dude, we dug you in Gods & Monsters, but stop fucking around with the quality shit and go back to George of the fucking Jungle for the love of god.

- Speaking of God, his favorite filmmaker, Mel Gibson, just spent a whole fuckload of money on Michael Moore's fat ass--apparently Icon Productions will be producing Moore's new documentary Fahrenheit 911. The flick is about how far up Osama bin Laden's butthole the Bush Family is. We're estimating they're deep within Osama's rectum, but we'll check out Moore's anal probe nonetheless.

- 50 Cent's G-Unit sneakers for Reebok (aka RBK) have been so popular that he's got more kicks on the way, including a white/pink design for dimes n shorties. In related news, Jesus just closed a deal with Kangaroos (aka ROOS). Instead of a standard pocket, though, the side zipper will reveal a life-like mold of pornqueen Julia Ann's snatcherooski! Get a pair of JesuRoos and your friends'll thank you for kicking them in the nuts!

- Dodge Motor Company is going to host a pay-per-view Lingerie Bowl during half-time of the Super Bowl. The Lingerie Bowl will consist of lingerie models in a 7-on-7 tackle football game. In our minds, that is precisely what the actual Super Bowl should be.

- Spice Digital Networks has just launched Spice HD--the first high-definition adult network. Do you need another goddamned reason to realize that Hollywood is fuckin blowing it and The Valley is the future. (hold me)

- Sebastian Gutierrez (writer/director of She-Creature and writer of Gothika) has a new flick in development over at Senator International. It's called Rise and it's like The Crow except it's a chick instead of a goth dude. Hopefully, whomever they cast will be hot and she won't get shot to death for real like that Brandon Lee kid. Poor bastard. Remember when Film Threat interviewed his soul with a Ouija Board? That shit was hilarious.

- Juniper Research a European business intelligence research firm (yeah right, fuckin Euros), just released a study saying it would be big business to offer online porn and gambling via cellphones. It's a good thing we pay people lots of money to figure this shit out.

- Lackluster Hollywood starlet Naomi Watts has been cast in Fay Wray's role in the upcoming King Kong remake to be directed by Peter Jackson. Why is Peter Jackson remaking King Kong? Because he likes to follow up great movies (i.e., Heavenly Creatures) with pieces of shit (i.e., The Frighteners).

- Fangoria has a new line of classic horror DVDs, and, in early 2004, you'll be able to get yer grubby little paws on their release of I Drink Your Blood (featuring The Crazies' Lynn Lowry), one of the first films ever rated X by the MPAA. Fangoria's release will be the first ever uncut version to see the light of day, unless you live in Greenland--where it's dark for 6 months of the year. Since Fangoria is doing a limited release only through its website, the movie may never see the light of day in Greenland. That's why we fuckin hate Greenland.

- Kelly Osbourne got booed at the MTV Europe Music Awards, so her mom called up an executive at MTV and threatened to bite his balls off if the booing wasn't cut. Under threat from that crazy bitch, we'd probably cut it, too.

- Barbra Streisand is an amazing retard. Check out the bitch's crib, now that the Courts say it's okay for us to look: http://www.californiacoastline.org

If Lil Kim really cared about her fans, she'd have these cans on a baseball hat with straws.

- Spike TV's first annual Video Game Awards will feature DMX, Lil Kim, Bubba Sparxx, and FunkMaster Flex. This news item is just another excuse to post a hot picture of Lil Kim.

- Doghouse Digital is a porn company out of Canada, so you know it's gotta be good. Although they've yet to move into the emerging market of Mounty Porn, they have decided to join mainstream America by cashing in on Ol' Saint Nick's special day. On December 3rd, Doghouse dropped the Christmas Anal video Stocking Stuffers. In a move to make devout Christians even happier, they have also released Bubble Cum, a movie where young girls catch money shots on bubblegum bubbles and then chew. Merry Christmas one and all.

- Speaking of CumBubblicious, everybody at Disney is fucking pissed off at each other. If it's not senior execs apologizing for Bad Santa, it's bloody power feuds between elderly white guys Michael Eisner and Roy Disney. This has nothing to do with CumBubbles, except for the fact that Eisner has been known to refer to Walt by that nickname while spanking it.

- In related news, the United States Senate voted unanimously last week to enact "vigorous enforcement of the Federal obscenity laws." Senator Orrin Hatch, who introduced the resolution, was concerned about low voter turnout, so he promised free copies of Bubble Cum to any Senators who bothered to show up and say "aye."

- In unrelated news, the FCC has finally decided it's okay for Bono to use the f-word. We personally think Bono deserves a spanking, if not for this then for those stupid sunglasses. In a show of solidarity with his son's posse, Colin Powell has promised to use the f-word in all his future public speeches.

- Word on the strizneet is that several Suicide Girls will be making a guest appearance on the DVD for Peter Hoare's BEER: The Movie, which was first released on Fuse Channel's website. Them Suicide Girls is perty.

- Riverhead Books has postponed the release of Suge Knight's autobiography until next year. We're too scared of Suge to comment on this. Thank you very much.

- Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale are in that movie Van Helsing that's coming out next year. How much you wanna bet it's gonna fuckin suck?

- That buttmonkey who made Waking The Dead can't seem to raise any money for his shitty movies, so he's decided to try selling stock in his next flick Wall Street style with an IPO. Hey, here's a tip: if you want people to give you money, don't put Ethan fucking Hawke in your movie. That douche hasn't been cool since White Fang.

- Vin Diesel is doing his best to steal "I'm The New Arnold Schwarzenegger" bragging rights away from The Rock. In retaliation against The Rock's Arnold-esque stylings in The Rundown, Vin Diesel has accepted a role in The Pacifier, which looks an awful lot like Kindergarten Cop. Good luck with that, Vin.

Hey Jenna: you'll never get those straps on your shoulders unless the teddy's *over* your--ah, forget it.

Jesse Jane's the perfect starlet: she takes money shots like a pro, but she'll never let that concrete wall touch her ass. Now that's what we call class.

- Adult Video News will present its 21st Annual AVN Awards Show January 10th at the Venetian Hotel and Casino in Vegas. Li'l Jon will be gettin' low for a musical guest appearance with the Yin-Yang Twins. The awards show will be hosted by pornstar-cum-cum-mogul Jenna Jameson and some stand-up comic, too. Veteran director Paul Thomas's Heart of Darkness earned 14 nominations including Best Film and Best Director. Elegant Angel's debut feature film Compulsion earned 13. Adam & Eve's Rawhide, a Western porn vehicle for exclusive piece-of-ass Carmen Luvana, led the pack for Video categories earning 15 nominations. Right behind that title was Wicked Pictures' Beautiful, an adult interpretation of Snow White, with 14 nominations. Digital Playground received 33 nominations, including the coveted Best New Starlet nomination for Jesse Jane.

- Some fool is running around making claims that there's a prequel in development for Man Bites Dog. If this is true... then... I dunno, it'll just be weird.

- Congress approved a bill that will extend The PATRIOT Act to cover surveillance of online shit like e-Bay, Internet logs, and Internet Service Providers without a judge's approval. I have an idea, let's teach Congress a lesson by spending all our time on free porn sites! Woo hoo! Oh wait, we already do that. Ah well, fuck em anyway.

- The folks at Oui Magazine, the place where Arnold recounted his jock gangbang, have decided that they are going to make sex toys that represent Oui's "metal and hardcore Goth ethic." Their first release will be The Beast, a dildo that looks quite different from what we personally might perceive a Goth sex toy to look like.

- Nick Cannon is now executive producing. Why are we allowing this to happen? UnitShifter is offering a reward to that sniper who's busting caps in old ladies on the freeway if he'll turn that rifle scope of his onto Nick Cannon's behind.

- Speaking of people who need to be on the business end of somebody's sniper rifle, Dark Horse Comics announced they're developing a movie with Cabin Fever butt-bandit Eli Roth. That motherfucker must have a team of monkeys working for him, since he's already working on Stephen King's Room 1408, The Box (a collaboration with Donnie Darko writer/director Richard Kelly), a remake of Dead of Night, a sex comedy for Universal, and another horror movie called Drawn. Meanwhile, there are people selling their kidneys at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market. And those people are us. Anybody wanna buy a perfectly good kidney?

- Sears, the retailer well-known for its longterm support of hip hop culture, will be launching 50 "urban" shops featuring "hip hop inspired" clothing in select locations within Detroit, Los Angeles, Miami, New Jersey, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Washington DC, and Nashville. Scratch that--not Nashville. Sorry.

- Mya was just added to the cast of Wes Craven's werewolf film Cursed. You people are not listening to us! Didn't we tell you *not* to buy her album so she might be driven into porn and we could all watch her get naked for our own personal amusement??? Now look! Fuck! It's gonna be a really long time before her career drops off so much that she'll be making porns. Well, we've still got our money on Christina--she'll have to at least "accidentally" release a sex video on the internet if she wants to move some units next time around.

- Wu-Tang has finally figured out that we don't like their music no mo', so they're putting out a book instead, The Wu-Tang Manual. They're going to tour for it, and we can only pray that it will be live readings from the book, since their live musical performances are scarier than a night at Knott's Scary Farms.

- Depleted Uranium sucks. Can someone please tell Donald Rumsfeld that? Thank you.

- Missy Elliot and Lil Romeo make guest appearances in the new Jessica Alba movie, Honey. Yeah, we're not gonna see that shit either, but this gives us the opportunity to post a hot picture of Jessica Alba! Oh yeah!

- Twista made a deal with Omega Rims to make diamond-studded rims for cars. Don't park that shit in our neighborhood--we won't steal the rims or anything, but Dead Betty can't parallel park for shit.

- Naomi Campbell is being sued by her assistant because old girl held her hostage in a hotel room. Jesus has lodged a formal request that Naomi hold him hostage in a hotel room, too.

- We hear that Timbaland is gonna guest appear on a Coldplay track. That's pretty gay, dude.

- We also hear that Jay-Z is in the market to buy the NJ Nets. Puffy with the Knicks versus Hova with the Nets? In related news, Ice- T is buying the Macarthur High School Basketball Team in Levittown, NY. Represent for the Rhyme Syndicate, Levittown!

- Some fools are buying up radio stations in a bunch of major markets for a Liberal Radio Network. Besides Jesus, who's gonna listen to that shit? Those are the pricks who put Parental Advisory Stickers on your CDs, you really wanna listen to their radio stations?

- Sadie Allison was a marketing exec at Sega when she decided that she was sick of the testosterone-trade and wanted to represent for some estrogen. She was bummed out that so many girls were being tricked by people like Ryan-O into not masturbating, so she wrote and self-published a book called Tickle Your Fancy: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Self Pleasure. She has since sold 60,000 copies of that book, wrote and published another one, and founded an empire on fingerbanging herself. Cheers!

Check last month's installment here...