++++++++++++++
February 20
++++++++++++++

"Your reputation precedes you."
"Absolutely. Otherwise I'd be late for all of my meetings."
- John Candy, Who's Harry Crumb

Yeah, my column's late. Fuck all y'all!

PARIS TODAY	PARIS NEXT YEAR
Sure, she looks alright now... but that trust fund bitch won't age well. Just check out her biological mom, Phyllis Diller.

- Paris Hilton's on my shitlist.
Yeah, that's right, bitch, I know you read this.
Slappy told me you pulled his dick out of your mouth long enough to whine that I'm full of shit about that sex video being just a publicity stunt. I was giving you props for ingenuity, you anorexic Big Bird.
Fuck woman, your only claim to B-list fame is the fact that you've taken more balls to the face than Yogi Berra. That and making it into a Talibano gossip column. Your daddy's cheese may convince people you're a 10, but yer scrawny Hilton ass ain't even a Super 8 to me.

Ryan-O & Talibano's new jam band will guest appear in the OutKast musical.

- OutKast is making a musical called Speakerboxxx for HBO.

Word on the streets is that OutKast'll reunite the cast of Sex & The City, but the girls'll all be in blackface. When asked about the creative decision, Andre 3000 said, "What do you want from me, man? My managers won't let me fuck with Indians anymore. So I'm gonna fuck with these White Bitches instead. Who ever thought it'd be a good idea to make a TV show about White Bitches havin' sex, anyway?? You ever see that Paris Hilton video? That was a perfect example... White Bitches can't fuck!"

- Have you ever noticed that Mickey Mouse looks like he's a black dude in whiteface?

- Yes, I'm *begging* someone to kick my ass.

- In related news, rumors are circulating that Beyonce might play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie. That would fucking rule.

- Even better and equally unlikely to actually happen, Johnny Depp is in talks to play Lex Luthor.

"Check out my O-Face!"

- Magic Johnson is introducing his own Visa debit card. They were orginally gonna call it Magic's HOOPS International VISA, but everyone started calling it
Magic's H-I-Visa card, so they changed the name. It's got a low interest rate, but if you miss a payment Magic'll come to your house and fuck you.

- They're remaking John Carpenter's classic Assault on Precinct 13. Apparently, Carpenter has always regretted the fact that he couldn't find the perfect actor to cast in the original film. According to his recent autobiography Why I Allow Assclowns To Do Terrible Remakes Of My Great Films, Carpenter explained that the second he saw White Fang he knew he fuckin blew it and ever since he's been dying for the chance to remake Assault with a boyish, semi-nude Ethan Hawke. Lucky us.

"Hey Talibano, does a '+' sign mean you knocked me up again?"

- I was on line at Starbucks with Mary Kate Olsen last week (I don't back Starbucks since they import their mocha from Yemen, and Yemen's still on my shit list for narcing on me about those missiles last year, but Mary Kate likes that they use Silk Milk). Anyhow, she was blatherin' on the cell with Trina pretty loud, when all of a sudden the guy on line in front of us spins around and shouts "Shut up, you little brat!" The best part? The guy who shouted at her was Rutger fucking Hauer! Amazing! Yuppie-central or not, I'm definitely hanging out at Starbucks all the time now.

- Mila Jovovich is gonna come back to Resident Evil for the sequel, Apocalypse. Who cares?, this is just an excuse to post a hot picture of her.

- Uh, there's a new "In memory of Tupac" clothing line called Makaveli Branded. Fuck, dude, Tupac's got the best posthumous merchanding since Jesus Christ!

- Faith Evans got busted with crack. Jesus is gonna pull some strings so he can get thrown in jail and bust her asscrack.

- Rawkus Records is going out of business. That blows. Luckily we have Epitaph releasing Atmosphere. Woo hoo! Someone please clap at the Epitaph Mansion with a drive-by. Or at least give Mr. Brett The Clap.

- Queen Latifah is executive-producing a hip-hop-themed update of WKRP In Cincinnati. Uh? Even Thirston can't possibly back that shit. Latifah called me up and asked if I'd play the role of Jennifer Marlowe, originally performed by Loni Anderson. I tried on the wig and it looked okay, but I told Latifah I'd only do it if she put on a big strap-on and fucked me in the ass. Ahem. I have a 6am call-time tomorrow and I'm gonna be needin some WKY.

- The Emmanuelle series of hard & soft core porns is the James Bond of spank movies. Over the years, the sexually-liberated ho-tagonist has been played by such pieces of ass as Sylvia Kristel (who originated the role), Mya Nygren, Monique Gabrielle, and Krista Allen. Producer Alain Siritzky has just announced that the newest starlet to embody UnitShifter's ethos of SLUT LIFE in the Emmanuelle movies will be Elena Es Verdra. We don't have pics yet, but we'll keep you posted. In the meantime, enjoy our pics of Emanuelle alum Krista Allen. Yum.

- Well, my girlfriend Lil Kim is not quite ready to join up with DiY-Fest, but close. Rumor has it she may be gettin with Koch Records to distribute her shit independently. If that happens, she'll be labelmates with Ani Difranco... and that, my friend, is H.O.T.!
[Wondering why there's no hot pic of Kim here? You just wait and see below, mothafucka!]

KEISHA THEN

KEISHA NOW OH . MY . GOD

- Lil Zane will star in a straight-to-DVD "thriller" called Motive. Why do you care? Because Keisha Knight-Pulliam (aka Rudy Huxtable) is in it. If there's no full-frontal Rudy-flesh, we're gonna picket the distributor's office fiercer than a bunch of Von's employees shot up with Mad Cow Disease.

- Isn't it funny that Straight People couldn't be bothered to wipe their asses with their marriages until The Gays decided they wanted to appropriate the institution for themselves and probably clean it up in the process? This is such a fucking non-issue, how fitting that it comes just in time for a major election. If I was on the Supreme Court, first I'd fingerbang Clarence Thomas, then I'd say the only people who can have any say in the matter are those who've been in longterm relationships, never fucked around on their insignificant others, and never been divorced. Let's see how many of these assholes stick around to vote under those conditions.

For posterity's sake, here's a pic of Britt while she was still taking Hot Pills.

- Speaking of marriage atrocities, that wildebeast Brittany Murphy has been panicking to land an eligible bachelor before the clock strikes midnight and her made-over grill dissolves back into the pumpkinhead she formerly carted around on her shoulders.

Lucky for her, Jeff Kwatinetz (the would-be mogul who founded The Firm) bit the ball-&-chain-bait. Ahah, but there's a wrinkle to this story. Unbeknownst to Murphy, Kwatinetz was worried he wouldn't find a suitable trophy wife before the clock struck midnight and everyone realized he's a visionless goin'-nowhere hack. Ah, Hollywood bliss... ain't it a beautiful thing?

- Wu Tang member U-God has changed his name to Zilla? Why? Because it's the only combination of English letters that makes a more retarded name than U-God.

"Shhh! Don't let Talibano know I got jacked by JYD!"

- Who got jacked for their shine during the All Star Weekend? Camron, Fabolous, and baller Carmello Anthony, that's who! Ha! I saw JYD at the pawn shop on La Cienega sellin' a fistful of ice Monday morning.
That girl is gangsta!

- Yeah yeah, so Jesus beat me on the gossip that G-Unit is launching G-Unit Adult Films... uh, he was there at the AVN Adult Video Awards when they first announced it--that *does not* equal beating me on the scoop, you assclown.
Anyhow, Fifty Cent is readying his first adult-themed DVD release Groupie Luv. It will be shot on G-Unit's tour bus and consist of groupies fucking. I love how hip hop guys have all these porns now where they just sort of host the action... like Gilbert Gottfried on USA Up All Night. It's fuckin brilliant.
I wanna be a porn emcee.

- Speaking of pimps, famous madame Heidi Fleiss is gonna have a role in a straight-to-DVD sci-fi flick called Alien 51.

If you wanna see Heidi on DVD, you're better off with Nick Broomfield's documentary Heidi Fleiss: Hollywood Madame. Broomfield might be a fucking clown, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

- Word is that Eminem wants to buy Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Jacko said he'd sell on the condition that he could have some personal negotiation time with Hailie.

- Ooh, I better change the subject before Janet gets attention-starved again and whips out the other boob.

JANET Then	JANET Now	DANA Then	DANA Later

- About that Janet thing... everyone's missing the obvious: it's the
Diff'rent Strokes Curse.

Mrs. Garrett musta been spikin' the craft services table with ricin, cuz all those motherfuckers done lost their minds.

- Speaking of Dana Plato, remember her Playboy issue? Amazing. We were all givin' ourselves diff'rent strokes once we found those sticky pages tucked in dad's porn stash under the bathoom sink.

Ahh... such fond memories of 80s TV.

- Public Enemy will release two albums this year... it's all part of their elaborate plot to completely take over the Used Bin at Amoeba.

- Ralph Lauren is trying to get Jay-Z to lend his name to a fashion line. Sorry, Ralphie, but the Hova don't need yer pastey-white ass to sell gear.

- Busta Rhymes is the newest artist to sign with fully-loaded Aftermath. Looks like Dre is going for a sort of Lew Wasserman meets Noah's Ark approach to recruitment--he's signing everybody except me & Ryan-O's jam band! According to XXL, Bone Thugs N Harmony will sign next and then, astonishingly enough, Hilary Duff. Then Menudo? Stay tuned.

- Word is The Source's crusade to discredit Eminem has backfired. Amid advertisers pulling out and a general community-wide distaste for what feels like disingenuous muckraking and dirty-politicking, the iconic magazine is hemorrhaging cash, bouncing checks, and sinking fast. Fucking weird. It ain't fuck with Dre day no more...

- Slappy saw this movie D.E.B.S. at Sundance and said it blew. Well, the director, Angela Robinson, just got hired to remake Herbie: The Love Bug. Yup, that's what happens to these clowns when they get slagged on UnitShifter.

- Is it just me, or are there *a lot* of remakes in production these days? Is it more than usual, or am I just getting older and only now just starting to realize they're all remakes?...

- Big L died 5 years ago. If you were born after Big L died, you might be just the right age for a tryst with Ryan-O.

"If this cave in Kandahar be rockin, don't come a knockin! Happy V-Day, Talibano!!! xoxo Kim"

- Well, Valentine's Day just passed, and my recently heightened public profile has afforded me one of the best Valentine's Day presents ever. Apparently, Lil Kim's been reading my column. As all of you know, I have a humongous ropie for Kim. On February 14th, she sent this picture to the UnitShifter offices... an amazingly hot pic of herself in nothing but a birqa! Now that's a woman who knows how to represent for Talibano!

Thanks be to UnitShifter for making all my dreams come true.

Check last month's installment here...