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March 9
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Here's a quickie for ya... it ain't funny but it's occasionally unnecessarily mean.
Fuck you.

- Sorry I've been gone so long... the Feds chased me outta my cave underneath UCLA.
I still have a few kidneys in stock--pristine never-been-used kidneys I cut out of straightedge kids who were easily lured in by my limited-edition blue vinyl All Out War 7". If you're interested, send your best offer to talibano@unitshifter.com... for the kidneys, that is, the 7" ain't for sale.

- We have some advanced details regarding the DVD for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. You knew, of course, there were deleted scenes, but this is ridiculous. Apparently, right before the crucifixion, Jim Caviezel's Christ is fistfucked by Pontius Pilate, right there in front of The Mother of God and everyone. Supposedly, this scene makes the fistfuck in Caligula look like Harvey

Naked Jews, midgets, and teabagging--that Mel Gibson sure knows how to make a movie!

Keitel fingering Holly Hunter's torn fishnet in The Piano. Even more deleted-scene-o-rific, the DVD will include a sequence where, right after Christ is nailed to the cross, all The Jews line up and tea-bag him.

- In related news, Gibson has announced that his next film will be an Old Testament adaptation currently entitled Sodom & Gomorrah: Where God Fucked Up Them Fags But Good.

- Howard Stern is probably getting kicked off the air, and he blames The Bush Administration. In a press release, George W. Bush responded "don't blame us, we're not Jews."

- Ryan-O blames The Bush Administration for his band breaking up.

- ArtFag blames The Jews for his circumcision.

- Hot on the heels of Howard Stern getting chased off radio, Lil Jon is inking a deal to host his own radio show. Now, I got nothing but love for Jon, but if that ain't straight-up injustice I don't know what is. And Gibson has the nerve to say that Jews own the media...

- Bill Murray didn't win the Oscar for Best Actor. What the fuck?

- Sofia Coppola won Best Screenplay Transcribed From A Movie That Was Shot Without A Screenplay.

- Fuck Clear Channel anyway.

- So apparently Rancid's Tim Armstrong thought the best way to discredit former-groupie-turned-ex-wife-turned-rockstar Brody from The Distillers was to appear as an AIDS victim in his band's newest video. In the video, an obvious attack on Brody (who is younger, hotter, and writing better songs than Tim... and at least not writing them for Pink), Tim also uses another sneaky device to discredit his former flame retardant: he points out that he is friends with people like Kelly Osbourne and that douche from Good Charlotte. Thus, we can only surmise that Armstrong is saying, "Hey, not only did that bitch give me diseases, but I have terrible taste to begin with." Ruthless, Tim, fucking ruthless.

- Kanye West just invited Dilated Peoples to tour with him. We in Kandahar think that's a dumb idea since those fools got their asses handed to them in their one-sided battle with Eminem. You can't claim underground street cred when you get butchered by a major label pop star. Sorry, it's time to get jobs making my veggie patties over at Subway and give up the rap thing, Diluted.

- Hollywood has gone superhero crazy. John Singleton looks like he's pretty much on board to direct a screen adaptation of Marvel Comics' Luke Cage. Luke Cage is a tough black dude who wears a metal sweatband and goes by the superhero name Power Man, which would only be cooler if it was Fight The Power Man. Cage couldn't carry a comic book by himself in the 80s, so he was paired up with fellow C-List superhero Iron Fist, a white karate dude in a skintight yellow & green suit. Then Cage got brought back in the late 90s when Marvel introduced it's "extreme" superhero line for "mature" readers.
In one issue, Luke Cage fucks some chick in the ass.
I'm not kidding.
Comic books rawk.

- More comic book shit... rumour has it that Eminem may play the lead in a screen adaptation of Mark Millar's cult favorite Wanted. Killarr.

Conspiracy against Zolo or not, this bitch from Girl Next Door is pretty smokin'...

- UnitShifter crackass Zolo pitched a few movie ideas to Hollywood production company New Regency back in 2002. One of the pitches was for a romantic sex comedy about a pornstar. Cut to 2004, when New Regency will release The Girl Next Door--a romantic sex comedy about... you guessed it, a pornstar.
Watch yo' backs, New Regency, Shiftaz be watchin'.

- OutKast announced that their upcoming DVD will be directed by none other than Mel Gibson and will feature Andre Son of Abraham 3000 dancing around in jew-face.

- So I was chillin' at Electric Lady Recording Studios with my home slice Mary Kate and in walks that wanna-be-Carmen-Electra-bitch from Black Eyed Peas, Fergie. Anyhow, she had a whole entourage along to help her record a "solo" album. I guess that means BEP's days are numbered? Where's the love now, bitch??

- Gangstarr has a DVD droppin' soon which'll detail their 15 years of making sucka MCs look like the bitches they are. Nas realized that Illmatic is the best thing he'll ever do, so he's gettin set to drop a 2-disk Illmatic DVD this summer.

Looks like the baddest bitch has one too many hands...

- Trina is working on a sitcom and fashion line. Yeah, that'll work. Expect a sex video to "leak" sometime next year.

- It's been a while, but Columbia Records has finally grown some balls. They'll release dead prez's Revolutionary But Gangsta on March 30. I personally will never forgive dead prez for Mind Sex.

- Bryan Singer may be directing a remake of Logan's Run. Hopefully they'll still be wearing those hilarious 70s suits, cuz, y'know... everybody in the future will be wearing fucking zoot suits. Just look at all the morons in LA still wearing T-Birds jackets.
Style may change, but lack of style remains the same.

- Jessica Simpson may be a dumbass, but she's no fool. The D-cup-D-list-celeb is well on her way to becoming an honest-to-goodness C-lister. That's right, she'll be making the leap from the boob tube to the boobie show in a new porn movie! Uh, no, not really... it just rolled off the tongue so well. Actually, she's looking to make the leap from the little screen to the big one. Movies she's considering? The Dukes of Hazzard (unfortunately she's nowhere near as WT as Britney), I Dream of Jeannie, or some terrible Marvel Comics adapation. All bad ideas.
She should just do a sex video like everybody else.

- Speaking of people who should do sex videos, word is that Beyonce won't be Lois Lane after all. Stunning, I know. She's looking at a role in The Pink Panther. Whatever. Supposedly Steve Martin's gonna be the next Inspector Clouseau, so it might actually be funny, but just sounds like a waste of that ass if you ask me.

- Spalding Gray washed up on the edge of the East River. Apparently he was missing one of his kidneys. No comment.

Check last month's installment here...