Ahh... The Ladies of Digital Playground. Bar none, the most gorgeous women who've ever been fucked on video for your home viewing pleasure.

Not only are they gorgeous, though... they are relentless, insatiable, and downright homicidal when it comes to getting their fill.

The HR Department at Digital Playground must consist of bounty hunters prowling every corner of the world for the sexiest damn hellions who'll pounce on cock & labia with the awe-inspiring zeal of a music exec pouncing on a plateful of coke (or a UnitShifter staff writer pouncing on a plateful of coke, for that matter).

TEAGAN PRESLEY... the girl next door, if you happen to live next door to a lusting sex goddess built like She-Ra and obsessed with having things stuck up her ass. Indeed, Teagan goes for the assplay--her anal fixation is clearly above average even for a pornstar. Don't get me wrong, Teagan more than delivers in every conceivable position, but it's pretty obvious that the girl ain't satisfied til something's lodged up her ass.

Teagan is from Texas, a state already well-known for it's assholes... though we much prefer Teagan's asshole to the other assholes outta Texas. She was a classically trained ballerina who danced at The Joffrey Ballet and The American Ballet Theater, even representing the US in various internation dance competitions. Now she represents for DP in your living room and works those tight assets that she moulded into shape by kicking the shit out of European dance-bitches who didn't know not to fuck with Texas.

Teagan is as American as apple pie, especially the apple pie from that movie where the little Jewish kid shoves his cock in the pie and then Eugene Levy walks in and--oh shit, isn't Eugene Levy the fuckin man? Anyhow, back to Teagan. She's like a cross between Keira Knightly and Britney Spears but starring in a XXX version of American Graffiti (minus that dude from Mr. Holland's Opus). Thanks to her, Talibano has told the One Eyed Mullah not to drop a dirty bomb in The Valley.

Here's to Teagan... you make Jesus weep.

TEAGAN PRESLEY : How We Love Thee, Let Us Count The Ways

TEAGAN: EROTIQUE

TEAGAN: EROTIQUE is our top pick for Teagan, in fact, this is at the top of Jesus' All-Time Best In Smut list. Better than Island Fever 3? You betcha! Unlike IF3, this movie is fucking dirrty. Yes, it gleams with style, it positively drips color saturation, and Celeste could reasonably demand auteur status for this--but, above all that, Teagan: Erotique is fucking evil (or evil fucking?)... which is what earns it the UnitShifter Seal Of Excellence. This is what Kubrick had in mind when he thought up Eyes Wide Shut, and if this is what The Illuminati is all about then sign us up for the One World Government so long as Teagan is the Supreme Overlord. I don't hafta oversell this one... if you buy one single porn this year (which is a ridiculous notion, but for argument's sake) then it'd better be Teagan: Erotique. Nuff said. BUY DAT SHIT

CONTRACT STAR

CONTRACT STAR is yet another excellent title that further demonstrates the creative range of Digital Playground. If you don't happen to be in the mood for dirty, stylish, satanic asspounding (which means you're no friend o' mine), then you can join the goddesses of Digital Playground for Joey Pulgadas' lighthearted and hysterical romp into the sex lives of SoCal chicas. Teagan plays La Sad Eyes, Jesse Jane plays Maruca, while Eric Masterson & Evan Stone don hairnets for their roles as Chuy and Julio. Har har. The wardrobe consists of big gold hoop earrings and the clearance rack from Forever 21... but luckily those wardrobes don't stay on for long. Contract Star features a spectaculous Teagan and Jesse girl-on-girl scene... life just doesn't get any better than that. BUY IT... NOW

JACK'S TEEN AMERICA: Mission 1

JACK is back. If this ain't your first time to UnitShifter, then you already know how much we love JACK'S PLAYGROUND. Well, Robby D. sets off a new franchise here with JACK'S TEEN AMERICA, and he does it right by launching the new mission with a jaw dropping performance by Teagan. The rest of the flick is rad, but it's all about Teagan as far as we're concerned. Teagan does the girl next door bit better than anybody, but it's like a Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde routine when the wolf comes out of the schoolgirl's clothing... watching Teagan unleash herself is like when you find out Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze: you're just baffled that such a high octane shitkicker can come in such a little body. All of a sudden this sweet little thang is taking pole in the ass with a tougher oh-face than Ed Norton in American History X. I guarantee that if you buy this DVD you'll never make it past Teagan's scene... unless the DVD just keeps playing while you're passed out on the floor. As usual, Teagan delivers... and that's why she makes our hearts go pitter pat like the slap of an asspaddle. OWN IT FOREVER & EVER