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February 7
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WHERE ARE THEY NOW?:
From HollyWood to Holy Ghost...

Willie Aames is best known for his brainless role in Charles in Charge as Buddy Lembeck, Charles' (Scott Baio) confidant and Phi Delta Phi sister chaser. Aames has also starred in such notable half-baked roles as the lovable Tommy Bradford in Eight is Enough and has bestowed his silky smooth voice to Hank the Ranger in Saturday morning cartoons puissant Dungeons and Dragons. His sublime roles that stretched from the late 70's to the early 90's have earned Aames some of Hollywood's greatest accolades. Let us not forget, for example, Aames' extraordinary and near Academy Award winning role in 1982's Zapped!, as Peyton Nichols, Scott Baio's zany side kick. His role in that cult classic was what really put his ass on the map and on Teenee Boper Ryan O’s bedroom wall.

But, in the early 90's, after struggling to bag a role where he could truly display his talent and after losing the acting bug in exchange for The Holy Ghost, Aames decided to call it quits in Hollywood and move to Kansas City. There, Aames has created a highly successful children's television show series based on the Bible quoting super hero Bible Man. He has also cognated himself with the First Family Church where he is currently Senior Director of Special Productions & Media (in other words propaganda).

Aames' performance in Paradise would've been the last stop before gay porn if The Lord hadn't intervened.

Aames found God after reading Wired, John Belushi's autobiography. The book impacted Ames so much that he began to question his destructive lifestyle of cocaine orgies, drinking binges, love affairs with checkered nylon golf shirts, and mullets.

Aames began his descent into salvation when he discovered a radio preaching ministry in Los Angeles. Six months after shaking himself out of the television characters that had become him and vices, he met his wife Maylo (an actress as well) on the set of a television show where Aames was guest appearing.

She wasn't a saint, either. Maylo had fought her own battle of addiction: with cocaine, alcohol, heavy metal, fishnet stockings... and she'd won. Years later, the two were married and baptized on the same day.

Aames began a production company that had some success, producing hundreds of television commercials and televisions shows. In 1991, jaded of his unshakable stigma as an actor who could only play brainless geeks whose cogitated plans never achieved anything but disappointment (Buddy Lembeck) and despised by nearly everyone in Hollywood, he packed his bags with his wife and recently born daughter, then moved to a ranch house in an undisclosed suburb near Kansas City. There he joined the First Family Church, a Southern Baptist based church group.

With a fresh start and God oh his side, Aames created The Bible Man Show, in which Aames himself stars as Miles Peterson whose alter ego is a Bible quoting super hero who fights evildoers such as Shadow of Doubt and Dr. Decepto with his sidekick Coats. [Check out Bibleman: Conquering The Wrath Of Rage and Bibleman: Shattering The Prince Of Pride!]

Miles Peterson, with his alter ego's uncanny memory for the holy book and its scriptures, made Clark Kent's Superman look like Paul Rubens inverse The Pussycat Ejaculator. The show has incredibly achieved high success and Aames has reported that Bible Man has churned out some 54,000 born again Christian since its series airing and national Live Tour which began in 1998.

Taking the Christian world by storm one town at a time, Bible Man's overwhelming success booked an estimated 100 days in its nationwide tour in 2003. Exhausted from the tour, Aames has decided to retire as the super hero and instead has cast someone younger to play the role. He was quoted saying that he wants to return to the family life, and that the next generation needs someone younger (and cooler) to play the role so that they could identify with the scripture-quoting super hero. The show is produced under Aames own production company Pamplin Entertainment and on April 3rd the Bible Man live tour will come to Bakersfield!!!!!

Another prolific actor from the 80's who caught The Holy Ghost is Kirk Cameron, known worldwide for his noble role as Michael "Mike" Aaron Seaver in the runaway hit sitcom Growing Pains.

Cameron first spoke to God in his third season of Growing Pains way back in 1988 at the age of 17. Maybe it was Josh Andrew Koening's acting (in the role of Richard "Boner" Stabone) that hurtled him toward God for answers, but Cameron claims that it was something stronger within him, he described it as an overwhelming need for a humbling experience.

There on the set, little Mike Seaver and The Holy Ghost in him began to cast out with extreme fury little hussy groupies who hung out near his dressing room every day on the set. In one instance, Cameron resorted to using a broom to chase one of the little witches into the parking lot. Cameron eventually apologized.

On the set of Growing Pains, Cameron met his current wife Chelsea Nobel who played Mike Seaver's girlfriend Kate McDonald. Cameron eventually married Nobel at the tender age of 22.

Turning down work left and right like an Oscar-winner waiting for the right role, Cameron claims that the characters they offered him would compromise his beliefs and faith. He refused to play them, leaving him with little work.

With hardly any work to his credit since Growing Pains, Cameron has become the star of the Disney Channel, staring in many Disney television network made-for-TV movies. He has recently starred in the Christian-based Left Behind movie series as Buck Williams, a savvy and suave reporter who eventually figures out where in the hell everyone is disappearing to.

Just recently, Cameron was interviewed by fans on E!'s webpage, where he answered many questions (all answers had God's name incorporated in them). He has been laying low and currently resides in Calabasas, where he studies the Holy Scripture and still refuses to join church services claiming "…Religion makes me ralph…God makes me rejoice!"

Ex-Oakland A's batboy Stanley Burrell (p.k.a. M.C. Hammer) is another church-going notable.

Burrell was brought up in a household where God was a strong presence. In 1984, in his native Oakland, Burrell attended church services and bible study classes on a daily basis. Bankrolled by Mike Davis and Dwayne Murphy of the Oakland A's, Burrell and his gospel rap group The Holy Ghost Boys recorded "Son of the King" and "Feel My Power" under his very own Bustin' Records. The songs caught the attention of Capitol Records executives. It has been reported that Capitol Records gave Burrell an unheard of $750,000 advance.

His career as a dancing/rapping/singing idiot soon took off with the re-release of "Feel The Power" as the double platinum début Lets Get it Started. As a result, his evangelic ministry took a backseat. Soon, endorsements started coming in: Pepsi commercials and even a punk-ass M.C. Hammer doll complete with a ghetto blaster. Though Burrell kept his promise to include one song dedicated to the Lord on each album, he soon lost focus and began a life that even Jimmy Swaggart himself could not approve.

Neither drugs nor alcohol ever came into the scene, but his vice became his work. Hammer soon began to live a bourgeois and jiggy lifestyle that derailed him from the Lord. Burrell states that his awakening came when he filmed an undisclosed video. He is quoted as saying "…that video was way over the line." That same year, he reported bankruptcy.

Burrell had blown a whopping 30 million dollars in bullshit. He had a 12 million dollar home furnished with 24k gold door knobs, 27 cars, and a staff of 250 for his residence. Hitting rockbottom with a brief signing to Death Row Records and the gangsta boogie Funky Head Hunter album, M.C. Hammer began to question his actions and Harem pants.

In 1997, after his record flopped, a badly broken leg, and the death of labelmate Tupac Shakur, Burrell turned to God for help and accepted responsibility for his mistakes and public appearances with his Gumby hairstyle, dance routines, and Harem pants.

That same year, at World Gospel 97 (gospel convention) in Barbados, wearing a metallic gold space suit, he publicly and officially declared his born again Christianity in a song performed to an audience of more than 70,000.

Later that day, Burrell preached himself wet and converted 42 inmates to Christianity at a local prison. Since then, Hammer has been touring throughout the country and in Japan (he is seen as a patron saint in Japan) with his evangelistic ministry.

In the first season of The Surreal Life, M.C. Hammer refused to eat sushi out of this broad's naked ass cause the damn fanatic said that God would not approved of it. Following in suit, that damn little shit Emmanuel Lewis p.k.a. "Webster" refused as well, right then and there the reverend Hamma found himself his newest pint-sized disciple.

Hammer recently released Active Duty 2001, an album riddled with songs praising God and patriotism (post 9-11). The album only sold one unit, and that was a marketing trick. The album's cover shows M.C. Hammer in a mink coat wearing an American flag as a bandana thug style (Pac style).

The crackass patriotism isn't shocking, though, cause before he started his short lived career as an idiot, Hammer served four years in the navy as a submarine crewman. That's where he gets those patriotic roots that he represents so hard on his album. That son of a bitch is one turbin short of becoming an American version of the Taliban/Al Qaeda, he’s hardcore to his beliefs.

Trivia Fact
3 Fanatical Degrees to the Lord Jesus Christ

It is an outstanding and remarkable thing that the mighty Lord Jesus Christ could be traced through these three sublime entertainers turned evangelists. It starts out with the homie Kirk Cameron, who was encouraged to act by his neighbor: the mother of super star Adam Rich who played Nicholas Bradford in Eight is Enough. Adam Rich then worked with Willie Aames, who played the adorable Tommy Bradford. Willie Aames, who is minister of propaganda at the First Family Church, has booked M.C. Hammer's ministry in his church. And the Reverend M.C. Hammer Chills out with the Lord Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!

Note

Please note that Stanley Kirk Burrell, also known as MC Hammer will be preaching at First Family Church on Wednesday night, April 14th, 2004. The First Family Church is located at 7700 W. 143rd Street, Overland Park KS. For MC Hammer bookings please contact Richard De La Font Agency, Inc.. Willie Aames could be contacted at his offices at (913) 681-3341 ext 6001 or via e-mail at willie@ffc.org. As for Kirk Cameron, the hell with him!